Broken and Bruised
by LinkinParkSoldier
Summary: Set in the context of Season 2. Gemma Teller is struggling to cope with what happened to her. Without seeking medical help she turns to other means to help her cope. Will she be okay? Time will tell.
1. Chapter 1

Jax's POV:

There is something wrong with my mom, I just know it. She has been trying to act all strong ever since the rape, but I don't buy it. You don't get over that kinda shit easily. It eats away at you. I look over into the office and see her, her head buried in paperwork. It's her go to action; she throws herself into her work to try and distract herself from whatever shit has been going on.

"Mom..."

She gets up from her desk and waves at me.  
Holy shit does she look bad. Her face is so pale and sunken. Her skin is stretched over her cheekbones so tight it looks like the cheekbone is going to push through.

"Mom you look like hell. You look awful".

She grins, her default. " Nice to see you too Jaxson, not looking so great yourself!" She strokes my hair and smiles.  
"Are you alright mom? You eating good?"  
"Yes, you know, my ever so healthy diet of coffee and smokes. My boy, you worry so much, just like your father". She rifles through the draw looking for more papework to tackle. She is trying to get rid of me. Whenever she turns her back and looks for paperwork, its her subtle way of telling me she wants me gone.  
"You need to eat some proper food mom, and get some rest. None of this paperwork matters, just leave it".  
"Darling I am fine, go and do your club duties. I will rest, I promise". I hear Clay yelling for me from the clubhouse, damn he sure loves to keep me under his control.  
"Okay mom, we will talk about this later". She waves me away with her bony fingers and grins. God she is so annoyingly stubborn. I will get Unser to talk to her, he always gets through to her.

A few hours later...

I see Unser pull into the lot, and I immediately head over to him.  
"Unser, can I talk to you for a minute?". He stumbles behind me into the office.  
"Yeah son? What do you need?".  
"Have you seen my mom lately?" He stares blankly at me and then on cue my mom walks into the office.  
"Oh sorry, just getting some paperwork." She roots around in the desk and quickly grabs some papers. She kisses me on the head and then Wayne, before going off to the clubhouse to do more work. I see Wayne look over at me.  
" She looks kinda exhausted son. What has she been doing?".  
" Paperwork, housework just anything that requires her attention really. She looks ill Wayne, I know when something is wrong with her; and my instincts are telling me that there is something wrong." He looks out of the window.  
" Well she has been through a lot of shit Jax, maybe her being distracted ain't a bad thing?".  
"I get that. But she looks bad. She is so pale, and so thin".  
"Do you want me to talk to her for you?"  
"Please Wayne. She trusts you more than anybody".

Gemma:

Shiiitttt. Jax knows something, that boy is so smart; nothing like his mom.  
I can't eat, it is as simple as that. The thought of eating makes me feel physically sick.

I hate what this shit has done to me.  
I hate who I am, I hate how I look; I just hate myself.

Clay has no love for me anymore. No one wants a used ol' lady. His wife was violated, touched. I ain't his anymore. I'm nobody. I used to be his everything, he worshipped me. Now he wants nothing to do with me. I will be brushed aside like I never existed. 


	2. Chapter 2

Unser POV:

I hate having to have serious conversations with Gemma. She may be like a daughter to me, but she is sure as hell difficult to talk to. I turn to look at her at the red light, I can see Jax's point, she don't look good; and that is a sentence no one ever can usually say about Gemma Teller.  
" Are you alright Gem, honestly? I.. I mean you have...had it rough lately". God Gemma sure makes you a nervous wreck when talking to her.  
" Wayne.. I am fine. Have you been talking to Jax?"  
" No, Gem... I am not blind. You eating alright? Taking care of yourself?" I hate asking questions which you already know the answers to. She is clearly not eating enough, she looks like a skeleton; and just by looking at her you can tell she ain't been getting much sleep.  
" I am fine Wayne. Just tired of being asked if I am okay. I am not the only woman in this world to have been raped". She turns and looks out of the window. Wow. I wasn't expecting her to talk about the rape, she won't talk about it with anyone.  
" Gem. You went through hell a month ago, you are entitled to be struggling."  
" I am not entitled to be anything. I got a role in this life, and nothing or nobody is gonna stop me from doing that. I am just tired Wayne."  
" So if you aren't talking to nobody, how are you dealing with it Gem? Not eating, do you think that is a good idea? Not sleeping, is that another good idea?" I hate having to be firm with her, but she is so stubborn, that it is necessary.  
" Why do you care Wayne? I am just an ol'lady who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time." She honestly has no idea about the love I have for her. No idea.  
" Gemma I watched you grow up and have been there for you over the years. Don't you think that you being hurt by those animals affected me? It tore me up Gem and it still is. You don't deserve any of this shit". She turns back towards the window. The only way she can mask her feelings.  
" Look Wayne. At the minute, I don't feel like eating, like sleeping. All I wanna do is smoke and work the days away. I need time".  
" You need therapy sweetheart. I know you don't feel like yourself, but you can't just stop eating and sleeping. That ain't good. They are kinda important".  
" Wayne. Leave it, okay. I can't deal with this shit. I have groceries to get and work to do back at the garage. Can we just talk about something else". She grabs her purse and starts counting out her money. I suppose I should just be thankful she don't have her 22 callibre in there.  
" You gonna eat any of the groceries you buying?" I know I'm edging towards the infamous Gemma Teller right hook but i'll take my chances.  
She smirks "That meant to be funny Wayne? Look sweetheart focus on you, you got cancer. That is more of a problem".  
"Yeah but if you don't eat or sleep, you will end up dead before me".  
" I can sure hope so", she cackles putting on her sunglasses.  
I pull into the car park of the grocery store and she jumps out of the car. "Do you need any help?".  
"No, I will be fine", she practically runs away from me despite wearing those horrible spiked boots.

5 minutes later:

I decide to get out of the car and follow her anyway, she will never admit she needs help, even if it is just shopping. I walk into the store and look up and down the aisles for her. "Gemma?" . Suddenly I see her bent double in the vegetable aisle. " Oh my god Gemma", I rush by her side, she is so pale like a ghost. " What is wrong Gemma? What hurts?".  
She grimaces, "nothing Wayne honestly, just felt a little woozy". She stands back up, and carries on down the aisle.  
"Gemma, what was that? When was the last time you ate?". This is more serious than I thought.  
" Wayne, I was a little dizzy that's all. Come on, I was meant to be back at Teller-Morrow ages ago." She walks over to the checkout. I must talk to Jax when we get back. This shit ain't right.

Jax's POV:

I arrive back at the clubhouse with Bobby, when on cue Gemma and Unser arrive. I wonder if he spoke to her, he always can get through Gemma, even when no-one else can; plus I mean he is a lot more of a listener than Clay could ever be. She jumps out the car holding bags of groceries all bigger than her. "Got enough supplies mom? Going to feed the five thousand are we?" She waves her hands at me, a polite way of telling me to piss off and mind my own business.  
"Sweetheart, when you and the boys are tucking into it, I won't be hearing that will I?" She stumbles over to the clubhouse, but Unser holds back.  
"Jax, can I have a word?" He looks concerned, I mean all cops look worried around us outlaws but this time It looks like more than that.  
"Yeah sure. Come into the office". We head over to the office and he slumps down into the chair. " What is it?".  
" It's your mom Jax, all is not well." He looks genuinely upset, this is not a good sign.  
" Why, what's wrong with her?"  
" You mean apart from the fact she looks like a skeleton with insomnia?".  
" Yeah, I know. She looks awful."  
" She told me in the car that she can't be bothered to eat or sleep anymore and then she nearly collapsed in the store.."  
" What? Collapsed? Oh my god", I get up to go and find her but Unser gestures for me to sit back down.  
" Before we go and confront her, maybe we should find out if there is something seriously wrong, what about..."  
" Seriously wrong? Unser my mom has suddenly decided that she doesn't want to eat or sleep anymore and then she is collapsing in the supermarket? I would say there is definitely something wrong". God Unser, why does he always have to act so cautious?  
" I know Jax, but I was going to suggest that you ask Tara to check over her, see if there is anything to worry about.".  
Now that is actually a good idea, Tara will know what is really going on. " Yeah, good idea. Thanks Unser, you know... for looking out for her.  
"Anytime son".

Now I better go and call Tara. Get that arranged.


	3. Chapter 3

Tara's POV:

It has been such a long day at the hospital and surprise surprise Jax is not home yet. He better not be at that clubhouse with those porn chicks I swear to god!

I hear my phone vibrate and reach for it. It is Jax. Oh so he calls now instead of coming home, brilliant. "Yeah, where are you?"  
He yawns down the phone "I will be home in about half an hour got some shit to sort , can I talk to you about something?" Hmm I bet that is a trip to Nevada or something with the club, yet more shit I have to deal with. "Yeah sure"  
"It's Gemma. Something is wrong with her, I was wondering if you could make an appointment with her? Check her out".  
God does he think I am superwoman? Like I have endless time on my hands? Honestly, I think he underestimates how hard my job is. " Umm sure, why? What is wrong?".  
"She isn't eating or sleeping much, she looks awful."  
"Jax, she was gang raped a month ago; it is a very traumatic event. Loss of appetite is hardly surprising. She needs time." Honestly, men have no idea.  
"Tara. She collapsed in the store today, and you haven't seen her in a while because of work; it ain't good".  
"Collapsed? Who was there?" Now that doesn't sound good. Not good at all.  
"Unser luckily, he told me everything. Can you please check on her? For me?"  
He is so smart, he knows I could never refuse him. Never. " Yes I can ask her to come in for a check up, you know, after the rape and everything. Lady stuff".  
" Okay say no more. Love you tara".  
"Love you too Jax".

10 minutes later:

Oh god. Now I have the awful task of ringing Gemma. She will probably decline the call when she sees its me. She claims she is cool with me but I know she's not; she doesn't like anyone to be with her golden boy. Urgggh god it's ringing.  
"Hello?" God she sure sounds subdued, not like the bitch Gemma Teller I know and love to despise.  
"Gemma, it is Tara. I need you to come for a routine appointment tomorrow. It's urgent." I hear her grunt down the phone.  
"What for?"  
"Gemma I need to check on the abrasions, see how they are healing up." Thank god I have a good excuse, she is so god damn hostile when she wants to be.  
" Is this really necessary sweetheart? I want to forget this shit."  
" I know it's traumatic, but I'm afraid it is necessary. Can you come in first thing in the morning before surgery starts?" God I'm waiting with baited breath, she has no qualms about refusing to anything.  
" Fine. Bye sweetheart".  
Before I can respond she hangs up on me. Great, I can look forward to an attitude from her in the morning. Why did I get myself back involved with this family?

Gemma's POV:

Fantastic. Just what I need, another reminder. Everywhere I look there is reminders of that night; the shrivelled balloons from Abel's welcome home party cascading the walls, the clothes and shoes I was wearing that night in the closet and my night terrors. I can't escape what happened, and I just want to. I feel so weak, and I am meant to be strong. I feel deflated, like any sense of who I was has disappeared.

I walk into the bedroom and stare into the mirror. What do I see looking back at me? A mess. An old, used piece of garbage. I am at literal rock bottom and I just don't see a way out.

I grab my night clothes and dash into the living room before Clay gets home. I just can't face even sharing a bed with him. The distance between us is so evident when we are in close proximity. It's not just in our thoughts, it is mirrored in our physicality.

5 minutes later

I hear Clay smash through the door and stomp to the bedroom. He doesn't care where I am anymore, he doesn't know how to deal with me. He makes it clear. Very clear.

Clay's POV:

Yet again another night where Gem is not coming to bed with me. I don't know why I have a god damn wife. She ain't even an ol' lady anymore. I can't be dealing with her shit. I have too much going on with the Irish for shitty woman trouble.


	4. Chapter 4

Tara's POV:

Waiting for Gemma is like waiting for judgement day, honestly you have no idea how it's going to go. She can either be sweet mother dearest or the biggest cow ever. Seriously, she better not be the latter; I am putting myself out for her.  
I hear a ginger knocking on my office door. I bet it is Margaret, getting ready to give me a lecture on how my private life should not be mixed into hospital life. I go to open the door and get the shock of my life to see Gemma...

I can see what Jax meant when he said she looks awful. She looks like death.  
" Hey doctor." She smirks before slinging her bag down on my desk.  
" Hey. Come with me I will take you to the private room."  
As we walk down the corridor I turn my head to have a good look at her. There is something definitely wrong. Her face has almost caved in and all the life seems to have gone out of her. She looks so shrivelled and small. This is definitely not the Gemma Teller I know. I gesture towards the room. " Okay Gemma, you know the drill".  
She nips behind the curtain and I grab her a hospital gown; I pull the curtain back to hand it to her. Then I see.  
Her protruding ribs, Her hip bones, her concave stomach and her skinny legs barely holding her up.  
I am just gaping at her in shock. I am in actual disbelief.  
" Do you mind doc? I'm sure it isn't protocol to watch your patients getting changed?" she laughs before pulling the curtain over.  
I am honestly speechless. She looks so ill. She comes out from behind the curtain and looks at me. "Tara what's wrong?"  
"Gemma, what do you weigh?"  
She looks taken aback. "Tara, you never ask that question! It's offensive".  
" Gemma, what do you weigh? Seriously".  
" I...I don't know 130 pounds, maybe more? Why?"  
" Do you mind if I weigh you? Before the consultation?"  
" Urggh. I suppose so, but you don't go telling Clay and the guys I got fat. I am warning you doc!".  
Jesus Christ, fat? I highly doubt that. I grab the scales and put them down in front of her. She stroppily steps on.

Oh my god. She is 87 pounds...

I look up at her in shock.  
" What? What is wrong sweetheart?" She literally doesn't have a clue, she has no idea how thin she is.  
" What is wrong? Gemma you weigh 87 pounds. Oh my god".  
She looks at me like I am from a different planet. " Don't be stupid Tara. Of course I don't weigh 87 pounds. Try adding 40 pounds."  
" Do you have no idea what you look like Gemma? You look so frail. You look awful Gemma."  
She laughs. That sarcastic laugh. Why the hell is she laughing?  
" Sweetheart. I know I look awful, but hey you know what? My awful looks pulled those guys who gang raped me that's for sure!" She storms off behind the curtain to get dressed.  
" Gemma. I meant you look pale and thin, not ugly! Gemma you need therapy, you are not dealing with what happened!"  
She lunges out from behind the curtain. "You know nothing! I am just trying to get on with my life. Trying to make amends with a husband who now hates me and barely acknowledges I am alive. You have no idea what I feel like. No idea so just back off!" She storms out of the room, as forcefully as she can manage with her frail body.  
I dart out of the room and run to my office. Gemma is long gone. I grab my phone and call Jax. He needs to know. She is gonna die if we don't get her help.

Jax's POV:

I am out with the guys waiting for the Irish to arrive, when my cell rings.  
"Hello?"  
"Jax oh my god." It is Tara and she is literally in hysterics. I walk away from the other guys.  
" What is wrong Tara? Are you okay?" She is literally shrieking down the phone.  
" It's your mom Jax. She is really, really ill. Like death's door ill."  
" What do you mean? What's wrong with her?". I am super worried now.

"Jax, she weighs just 87 pounds."

Holy fuck. 87 pounds? How did this happen? How did we not see this coming? "Tara, what the hell are we gonna do? How? When?" I am stunned. How the hell did we as a family let this happen?  
"We need to move fast Jax, with her arithmia she is weeks, if not days, away from having a heart attack."  
"WHAT TARA? WHAT DO WE DO? I know I shouldn't be yelling like I am, but I am fucking freaked out right now".  
" You need to try to get her to eat. Stage an intervention or something. If that don't work then she will end up being hospitalised, voluntarily or involuntarily Jax. Do you know what that means? Either I will end up hospitalising her, or there will be no choice and her heart will give out on her." This is the first time I have ever heard Tara upset, I didn't even think she liked my mom.  
"Okay, I will think of something. Maybe a family dinner, she will not refuse one of those".  
"Jax, does Clay have any idea what is going on?"  
" No, he hasn't got a clue. He is so wrapped up in the guns and shit he barely sees her." Boy can he be a piece of shit sometimes.  
" Maybe this family dinner should just be you and Clay. Gemma doesn't need to be overwhelmed with everyone."  
" Okay babe, I will speak to Clay as soon as I am back at the clubhouse. Thank you." I can't even begin to express my love for Tara.  
" Love you Jax. Make sure you do this dinner tonight. She needs urgent help. I have to go to theatre. I will speak to you later. Love you".  
Oh god I can't believe this shit is happening. "Okay babe. Love you."

Chibs walks over to me. " What's going on Jacky boy?", if it wasn't for the circumstances, I would be taking the piss out of that stupid scot accent.  
" Some shit with my mom bro. I've gotta go back to the clubhouse and speak to Clay. Can you and the others deal with this?"  
"Yeah sure, hope mom is alright".  
Chibs loves my mom like she is his own. "Yeah me too".

Clay's POV:

My hands are hurting like a bitch. I sure wish Gemma was helping me with 'em. I barely see her anymore, she never comes to bed with me, she never eats with me; it feels like my ol'lady has left me. I don't feel like I have an ol'lady anymore and that shit sucks. The Irish pipeline is also turning to shit with that bastard O'Fallon. Everything is turning to shit before my eyes.

Suddenly Jax bursts through the door of the clubhouse. That's all I need, Mr fix-it here with his bright ideas trying to fulfil his ol' mans bullshit legacy. The way he's goin I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to get me to give up the gun trade. That's the mistake his father made. He sure paid the price.

"Can I talk to you Clay?" God he is pulling that thinking face of his, he better not start, I ain't in the mood.

"Yeah." I gesture for him to sit down; I simply can't wait to hear more hippy shit that he has got from his ol' mans journal.

Jax's POV:

God, does he always have to be such a dick. He really needs to lose the hostility, because I ain't the only member who has had enough of it. " I need to talk to you about Gemma."  
" What about her?" Jesus Christ, he really doesn't give a shit about her anymore. It is all guns and shit in his head. He don't care about nothing else.  
"She ain't well Clay. Have you seen her lately?" He looks down at the table, wringing his hands.  
" No. She seems to have forgotten that she is my wife. What do you mean she ain't well?"  
God he is doing my head in. Why can't he put our beef aside for a little while. "Clay she has lost a lot of weight, she looks awful. Haven't you thought that maybe you should look after her? You are her husband after all!".  
He looks angrily at me "Don't start that shit, she is the problem not me. So what if she has lost weight, its not like she has never done it before!"  
"Clay will you just listen for once? She is ill. I got Tara to check her over today and do you know what she weighs? 87 god damn pounds. Kids weigh more than she does. She don't sleep, interact or eat anymore Clay. She is messed up. She needs help."  
He looks at me stunned. "No way, Gem ain't 87 pounds. You must be wrong. Tara made a mistake."  
Why does he always have to be in such denial? "Clay. My ol'lady is a doctor. Doctors don't make mistakes. Your wife needs you." He looks at me gone out. He is confused, but he looks like he actually might give a shit about my mom.  
He stands up ,"What are we meant to do? You know your mom, she ain't gonna do shit we tell her to do. Come on, you have all the bright ideas don't you?"  
He can't resist to have a dig at me, the piece of shit. "Look Clay, this ain't about us. Lets put our bullshit aside, and try to help Gemma. Tara suggested we have a family dinner, just you, me and mom." He rolls his eyes at me.  
"Sure, whatever. You are probably worrying about nothing as always." He strolls off out of the clubhouse with that god damn arrogance of his. I wish he actually tried to give a shit about something else other than guns. 


	5. Chapter 5

Jax's POV:

Silence.

Me and Clay have been sat in complete silence for nearly an hour. Where is she? No one has seen my mom since this morning before she went to see Tara. I am about to call her again when I hear her car pull into the drive.  
"Come on lets get the plates!", I jump up and grab the plates, whilst Clay continues to sit staring into space. Useful as usual. I hear the back door open and watch her as she steps into the kitchen.

Gemma's POV:

I walk through the back door in the hope that I will avoid Clay, I cannot deal with him after the shit show that today has been. As I enter the smell of beef enters my nostrils. What in the hell?

Jax's POV:

She looks horrified when she spots me and Clay sat at the table with plates of steaming food.  
"Hey mom. We decided to cook you dinner for a change". I look at her take a hard swallow.  
She plasters a fake smile on her face, "Oh my boys! What a surprise! Thank you."  
"Come. Sit." I gesture towards the table but she remains, rooted to the spot.  
"Urggggh well, you see Jaxson, I have already eaten. But thank you ever so..."  
"Mom." I decide to cut her off, I can't let this carry on. "I think we both know that's a lie". She looks shocked, and she glances to Clay for support; but his eyes are fixated to the table.  
"What do you mean Jaxson?"  
"We know you ain't been eating mom. Do you think we are blind? I spoke to Tara and..."  
"Jaxson. What happened at the hospital was bullshit. Tara made a mistake." She looks irritated now, my mom hates anyone to confront her. Always has and always will.  
"MOM. My ol' lady's a doctor. Doctors know what they are doing. Why are you not eating?". I am so frustrated, why can she not see what we see?  
"You are talking shit Jaxson! Of course I have been eating, if I hadn't I wouldn't be stood here; would I?".  
"MOM! You have a problem and you know it!" I feel tears springing to my eyes. "Just sit and eat, PLEASE!"  
"Look, I have got shit to do. Everything is fine so just leave me alone!" She storms out through the kitchen, and viciously slams the back door behind her.

I turn to Clay, I am so pissed he said nothing. He is not blind, he knows something is wrong! "What in the hell is wrong with you Clay? You're wife looks like a skeleton and you say nothing. Why?".  
He looks up at me "I don't know, look I got a lot of shit on my mind right now ..."  
I cut him off before he can finish that line because I am already beyond pissed. "Clay that is your wife. Surely she matters more than anything else?". I am dumbfounded, how can someone be so selfish?  
"Jax, I got Jimmy and the guns to sought out, and Alvarez on my ass! Seriously your mom can be sorted out later".  
I shoot up out of my chair "You utter shit Clay! She has arithmia! She don't eat she is gonna drop dead, do you understand?".  
He slams his already shattered hands down on the table. "She will be fine Jax. Just go".  
"You know what? I will go and try to find the woman who has looked after and cared for us through all the shit we have been through. Do you know why? Because when people look after you, you look after them. I suppose you wouldn't get that!  
I storm out of the house and see that my mom's car has gone. It is going to be so difficult to track her down.

Gemma's POV:

Shit, it is difficult to drive when tears are streaming in your eyes. I hate arguing with Jax but I just can't deal with confrontation anymore. Is it too much to ask to be left on my own? I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep and I don't want to see anybody. I feel like I am suffocating, every breath is so difficult to take; and nobody gets that. It is so difficult to explain what is going on in my head and it is exhausting. I don't know where I am going and I don't care. As impossible as it is, I am trying to run away from myself. Everything that I was, everything that I am.


	6. Chapter 6

Jax's POV:

I have been up all night riding around Charming trying to find my mom. I have left her hundreds of texts and missed calls, but had no response. I am scared shitless. How do I know that she is okay? For all I know she could have had a heart attack like Tara said. I have had Chibs and Juice searching most of the night as well. I have told Tara to stay at ours in case she comes to see Abel, and I assume Clay is sulking at the clubhouse.  
"No sign Jacky boy. We have looked everywhere". Chibs yells, with a defeated - looking Juice following behind.  
"Oh God. I have no idea where else to look".  
"What has gone on anyway, why did she leave?" Chibs murmurs. Urggh, I knew the boys would have questions but honestly, I have no useful answers for them.  
"Just some shit brother. You and Juice head back to the clubhouse, see if Clay needs you."  
"Aye". They both dash over to their Harley's and speed into the distance.

I honestly have no idea what to do. I am going to have to call Unser. I was hoping I wouldn't have to call him, I just wish we as a family could sort shit out on our own. Waiting for him to pick up his cell seems like an eternity.  
"Yeah?" I hear Unser croak down the line.  
" It's Jax. I need your help".  
" What's happened?" He sounds dazed, like he has just woken up.  
" It's mom. We got into an argument last night about her eating and she stormed off. None of us has seen her since. She ain't answering no calls or texts. I need your help."  
"Right, I will head out and look for her. You go get some rest or see Clay, I will take over".  
"You sure?". I know I have to go and do club duties, but I feel shit about abandoning looking for my mom.  
"Yes son, I will call when I find her".  
"Thanks Unser".  
My god I hope he finds her. I feel awful knowing that our argument made her leave.

Gemma's POV:

Urggggh. Waking up seems like such a chore nowadays.  
I must have conked out here, the land on the border between Charming and Lido. I like it here, it's very remote and quiet. Just an old shack away from the busy life of Charming town. Shit, I feel awful, my head is spinning and my whole body aches. But my arms. God they are stinging. I roll my sleeves up and see singed skin. Urggh that's what I did last night.

Unser's POV:

Where is she? I have looked all over town, looked near Oswald's land and been back to the house but no sign. There is only one more place I can think of, its unlikely, but there is nowhere else.

Her escape.

Gemma's POV:

I look down at my cell.  
Jax: 100 missed calls.  
Tara: 20 missed calls  
Unser: 30 missed calls and in counting.

Shitttt. I need to let them know I am okay but I kinda enjoy no one knowing where I am. No one watching every move I make.

I am alone.

But, then again, I was alone that night. I was so happy before it happened. My grandson was home, happy and healthy. Bobby was let out of the Clink. Clay and I were happy.

Then I go and get myself raped. And what did I do? Nothing. Resistance was futile. I was a piece of meat, a means to an end. I was an object, used and tossed away once I had served my purpose. I feel dirtier and dirtier every time I think about it.

"GODDDDDDDDDDD!" Screaming into the serenity is somewhat theraputic but also traumatic. I want to be alone but I don't want to be alone. I want to pick myself up, dust myself off and live my life again. But then again, I want to go to sleep and not wake up. Not deal with my emotions.

I feel like my heart is literally breaking.

Unser's POV:

I drive up to the land and spot her.  
She's destroyed.  
I watch her scream into the forest.  
I watch her break down and cry.  
I watch Gemma Teller break down and cry.  
Not just shedding a tear, but uncontrollable sobbing. 


	7. Chapter 7

Unser's POV:

I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know what to say to her. I walk towards her, but she doesn't see me as her head is buried deep in her hands.  
"Gem?". Her head shoots up and her hand brushes away the tears from her eyes.  
"What you doing here Wayne? How did you know I was here?".  
"Jax called me to say you had stormed off. And the rest was guess work".  
"Nah Wayne. It's called being a cop." She grunts, looking at the ground.  
"What you doing Gemma?". She deliberately looks at the trees, the ground, just anywhere so she can avoid eye contact.  
"Sitting here. Having a smoke, thinking about shit. You?".  
"That's not what I meant Gem."  
"I know." She sighs, kicking the dirt with her boots.  
"Gemma, you have gotta tell me why you are doing this shit to yourself. I know it is because of the rape and ..."  
"It's not just because of the rape, its how I feel now." She's clenching her hands so hard that her knuckles are white.  
"What do you mean? How do you feel Gem?". She gazes up at me, her eyes the only way she feels comfortable to express her pain.  
"Awful Wayne. I... urghh..". She collapses putting her head back in her hands.  
"Gemma go on, I won't tell nobody".  
"Worthless. Useless. Disgusting. Clay won't have nothing to do with me no more. I am done Wayne." She cries, looking at the ground.  
"What do you mean Gemma? Clay worships you, you're his queen!" I can't believe what I am hearing.  
She laughs. "Was. Was his queen. I am used now, he wants nothing else to do with me." She looks up at me. She looks broken. Completely broken.  
"You're wrong Gemma. So wrong".  
"Am I though? How would you know?" She snarls, the anger inside getting the better of her.  
"Because I know Gemma. Clay loves you and he always will. So what do you think this not eating will do? Teach him a lesson?".  
She blushes and looks away from me.  
" I don't know what you are on about Wayne."  
"Gemma. I'm not a fool. Look at you!", I grab her tiny wrists. " Why Gemma?"  
"I feel fat. Frumpy. Gross. God this is not a conversation I want to being having with you Wayne." She lightly punches my arm.  
"It is not a conversation I ever thought I would be having with you. The perfectly put together Gemma Teller."  
"That's a joke. My whole life is crumbling around me."  
" Why Gemma? Why starve yourself? Because you aren't fat sweetheart. Not in a million years." She faintly smiles.  
" It's the way I have felt ever since it happened... I thought if I lost the weight I would feel better, feel younger, feel less dirty and disgusting. But... all I feel is worse every single day. I can't do it anymore Wayne."  
" What do you mean, you can't do it anymore? I don't like that talk". I glance behind me and see Jax stood by the tree. Listening. He got my text then.  
" I am done Wayne. I can't be living with this shit in my head anymore." She stands up shakily.  
" Enough of that Gemma. Seriously."  
" Or what Wayne. I have had enough of living in this shell of who I once was. I can't do it anymore!". She starts walking towards her car.

Before I can shout, I watch her legs give out on her. Her body hits the ground with a large thud.

"MOMMMMMMMM". I hear Jax scream running to Gemma's side. 


	8. Chapter 8

"MOMMMMMMMM". I hear Jax scream running to Gemma's side.

~~~~~~~~~"Cause you've become sick like this wintergirl" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unser's POV:

Hospitals. The place I hate the most but also find myself in the most. The perks of being a cop with cancer I suppose.

I keep seeing her. The thud. Her frail body finally giving up on her. Gemma is like a daughter to me. Hell, she is my daughter! Blood means shit. Feelings mean everything.

Jax is crumpled in the corner of the room. His dark cut a stark contrast to the clinical pastel colour of the seat. He is deep in thought, nothing new there, but usually there are no tears in his eyes. I spot the waiting room door smash open and in walks Clay with Opie and Tig. I watch Jax as his eyes change from sadness to hate. Intense hate.

"This is YOUR fault, you complete shit". Jax jumps up and goes to swing for Clay but Opie quickly holds him back. Clay ignores him and slumps down in the chair.  
"Very quiet aren't we? Realise that if you had gave a shit about her, she wouldn't be here?". Jax is venomous now, spitting as he talks.  
"Well you did a good job of looking after her didn't you, golden boy". Clay glowers at him.  
Jax breaks free of Opie's grasp, pushes Tig out of the way and lunges for Clay's throat. I get up to intervene but then I hear Tara.

"JAX."

Jax snaps out of his rage and dashes over to her. "Is mom okay? What is going on?".  
"She is in a stable condition now. She had a heart attack Jax, which I am sure tests will confirm was due to malnutrition". Tara's eyes are red and her face full of worry.  
"Is she going to recover fully?" Jax asks looking like he is going to cry. Tig wandered off as soon as Tara mentioned heart attack, presumably to hide his tears and Opie is sat in shock with Clay.  
"We believe so, but I need to talk to you and Clay urgently. Follow me to the family room".  
Jax looks at me "Come with us Unser, you are her best friend".  
"Of course". I glance at Clay who looks furious about the 'best friend' jibe. Shame he doesn't look upset about the important stuff, like his wife's heart attack.

We enter the family room and it is just what you would imagine. Grey and white walls, information booklets on glass shelves and a bitty sofa with two plastic chairs either side. We sit down, me in between Jax and Clay to avoid another fight. Stupid, when you consider what has happened.

Jax's POV:

God, hospitals give me the shivers and this family room is just the same. Clinical, cold and cruel.

Listening and watching my mom today has killed me. I would have preferred a Mayan bullet to the pain I have gone through today. Watching her hit the ground, my heart literally skipped a beat. And the things she was saying. Oh God.

"Jax? Are you ready?". Tara's angelic voice tainted with sadness snaps me out of my thoughts.  
"Yeah." I can barely speak, all I want to do is cry.  
"When stabilising Gemma, we noticed some injuries." She grimaces.  
I watch Clay who has suddenly snapped out of his desensitised state. "What injuries?". His voice is hoarse, a far cry from his usual growl.  
Tara looks up at the ceiling, trying to maintain her 'professional composure'. "Her arms are full of burns".  
"Holy shit what burns? How?" I have a feeling I don't want to hear the answer.  
"Cigarette burns Jax! All over her arms about 60 of them", she is crying now. I grab hold of her. "When?".  
"They are fresh Jax. Painfully fresh, I don't even know how she could move her arms".  
I glare at Clay. His eyes are glazed over. Finally, some emotion for my mom. Unser looks destroyed. Head in his hands, sighing or crying. I can't tell.  
"What are we going to do?".  
"That's not even it Jax. There were others."  
I can feel my eyes bulging. "More burns?".  
"No, knife cuts all down her legs. They are old".  
"What does that mean? Tara?". She is sobbing now.  
"The cigarette burns and starving are ways we assume she is trying to cope with the rape. The others, its likely she has been self-harming for a long time." She gasps.

And with that I felt my heart break. I felt 3 others break too.


	9. Chapter 9

Jax's POV:

Tara's finally given us permission to see my mom. I obviously want to see her but I'm shitting it. I have no idea how I am going to react.  
Clay, Unser and I have been here all night waiting and worrying. Unser has been trying to comfort us all night, fetching coffees and food. As for that shit Clay, he has been silent ever since Tara broke the news. He has spent the whole night staring into space, the same stoic expression on his face. As for me, I can't stay still. Pacing around the room seems to help me. Calms me in this awful situation.

Tara opens the door, "You can see her now". She looks exhausted, the black bags enveloping her eyes. She refused to go home, spending the whole night keeping an eye on my mom. Despite their battles she must actually care for my mom.  
"Okay, coming". I am shaking, its going to be so shitty; seeing my mom in a hospital bed so fragile, so weak. Tara stops us at the door, "I am warning you, she looks bad".

I look at mom as I enter the room. Oh God. Oh my God. I want to cry.  
Unser turns his head away, he can't face her.  
Clay takes one look at her arms and throws up in the trash bin.

Her arms are skeletal; the skin is stretched over her bones and they are completely covered in circular burns, glistening in the darkened room. Her face is completely sunken. She actually looks like a corpse.

Tara's POV:

Watching them see Gemma in this light for the first time, is truly gut wrenching.

"No I can't... no". Clay slams out of the door, whilst I get rid of the trash bin splashed with vomit.

Jax is in complete shock. He is stood, rooted to the spot, staring at her mutilated arms. I look at Unser who is stood in the doorway, on the verge of crying.  
"I can't believe I let this happen". I watch as Jax collapses in the chair next to his mom, his head in his hands.  
"We all let this happen Jax, not just you. I have been her friend for years and I had no idea of how bad she had gotten". sighs Unser as he moves over to Jax, placing his hand on Jax's hunched shoulders.

I have to speak. "Jax. You know you are going to have to talk to Clay". I know he is going to yell at me, but he has to sort their shit out. Not just for his own sake but for Gemma's. If Gemma is going to recover, she needs a supportive environment; not all the stress of her husband and son fighting.

"Why would I want to talk to that piece of shit. He don't even care about my mom!" Jax is seething now, his face has become a whole new shade of purple.  
"Because your mom is going to need you all united if we are going to get her better. She doesn't have to contend with all your shit!"  
"Since when did you care about my mom? You have hated her since day one!"  
"That's not true! Everybody argues Jax. We have argued, yes, but do you seriously think I want to see her like this? Really?".  
"I'm sorry. I just... I don't know how to deal with this". He gestures at Gemma. "She's my mom Tara! I love her and I can't deal with whats happening."

"I'll give you two some privacy". Unser gently taps me on the arm and leaves us. To be honest I think he wanted an excuse to get out of here, he can't cope with seeing Gemma like this. Shit, her being raped about destroyed him.

"I know how you are feeling Jax. This is heartbreaking. I feel the same guilt, frustration and worry as you do. Don't you think I feel guilty for giving her a hard time?". I drape my arms round his shoulders.  
"I know you do but you're not her son. Her child. I should have known..."  
"Don't you think that Clay might be feeling the same? He is her husband, he will be feeling the same guilt that you are".  
Jax shakes me off. "Nah, he ain't got a bit of remorse in him. He only cares about himself."  
" I think the sick drenched trash says otherwise. Talk to him Jax. Do it for Gemma. Not for him".  
" Fine. But I ain't making no promises". He gives me a quick kiss and leaves, purposely slamming the door shut on the way out.

I look over at Gemma. She has no clue how much everyone loves her, wants her and needs her. Jax and Clay argue because they are vying for her attention. Me and Jax argue because Jax wants to please her. I slam my fists down on her hospital bed.

"You are so stupid Gemma. So very stupid!".

I never dreamt that I would shed so many tears over Gemma Teller. Especially tears of care.

Jax's POV:

I walk around the hospital trying to find Clay. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't gone home to do his dodgy deals with the Mayans. I am just about to give up when I spot him in the hospital chapel. Hah! Praying to whatever god for forgiveness I suppose.

Clay's POV:

Shit. Shit. Shit. I want to punch the fucking walls, scream my head off and kill some bastards! How did I not notice, I mean that's my wife for gods sake. I'm here in this hospital god room or whatever, praying for god knows what. Praying that this guilt I feel goes away. My wife. My gorgeous wife.

"Clay. We need to talk".

Jax's POV:

He is refusing to look at me. His eyes fixating on the shrine of some saint.

"Talk about what?". He grumbles, but it is with a wavering tone.  
"Urgggh... let me think. My mom, your wife; that nearly died. Might be a good start".  
"Let me guess. You are going to blame me for everything, say that you wish I was dead. Well I don't wanna hear it!".  
"I don't give a shit what you want to hear Clay! She could be dead and..."  
He jumps up, getting defensive. "Fucking shut up Jax. I fucking mean it".  
"No I won't. This has happened. We can't pretend it hasn't. My mom is lying in a hospital bed wasting away, her skin used like a fucking canvas. The bones, the burns..."  
"Stop. Stop". Clay is crying now, smashing his shattered hands against the wall.  
"I can't Clay. It's true. Our mom is not only starving herself but self-harming, and we don't even know how long that has been going on". I can feel myself tearing up, but I have to stay strong. Like Tara said, we need to have this conversation.  
" All my fucking fault ay? What about you? Where..."  
"Clay. I am not putting all the blame on you. We are all responsible. We...did this".

Before I know it we are hugging, crying on each other's shoulders. A temporary truce brought on by a world of pain.

"Jax, Clay." Tara gingerly opens the door, not wanting to end this moment of peace.  
"Yeah?"

"It's Gemma. She's awake"...


	10. Chapter 10

NOTE: Sorry for the late update, I have been extremely busy. Hopefully I shall be back to normal updating regularly!  
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Xx

Gemma's POV:

Urggghhhh. My head, my throat, my... nose? I look down and see tubes coming out of my nose. I glance around the room; the pale walls, the unmistakble musty smell. Shit. I'm in the hospital. What the hell happened to me? I see the silhouette of a woman in the doorway, with her back turned. It must be Tara.

"Why am I here doc?". My god I can barely speak. My throat is so dry, so painful.  
She snaps her head around to look at me, the shock visible on her face. "Gemma! We didn't expect you to come round so soon!"  
"What happened? Why am I in this shithole?".  
"Gemma you had a heart attack. You are lucky to even be here".  
"Well I suppose the arithmia was bound to cause one someday...why are you looking at me like that?". God she is looking at me like I comitted the biggest crime in the world. It is not like I asked for a fucking heart attack is it?  
"Gemma, I am going to go and get Jax and Clay. Then I will talk to you properly".

Jax's POV:

I am shitting this. What am I going to say to her? How can you even begin such a conversation? Hey mom, you know this starving, cutting and burning yourself; can you stop it? Shit, shit, shit. I never thought I would ever be in this situation.

Walking to my mom's hospital room will go down in history as one of the longest walks of my entire life. Every step I take feels laboured. I can barely put one foot in front of the other without shaking. I glance over to Clay who has turned a whole new shade of green.

Tara pushes the door open and there is my mom, smiling away at us?  
"My darling boys. Trust me ay?". She cackles, but her eyes are completely dead, any remnant of a twinkle is long gone.  
"Mom." My voice is so shaky, I can barely speak.  
"Oh sweetheart don't worry. I am fine. This was destined to happen with the arithmia." She tries to grab my hand with her bony fingers.

Tara clears her throat. "It was not the arithmia that caused you to have a heart attack Gemma. It was malnutrition".

Nothing.  
No reaction from my mom at all. Just a blank stare at Tara. She is in complete denial.  
"Mom? Did you get that?".  
She starts laughing. "Yes Jax, I can hear. I have had a heart attack not my ears removed".  
"MOM! This isn't funny...you..."  
"Jax. This is ridiculous! I am completely fine." She is shaking her head, her irratability clear.  
"Mom you are brushing this off like nothing has happened".  
She clenches my hand as tight as she can manage. "Jaxson. I am fine. Honestly."

"Your arms say otherwise Gemma!." Clay yells, tossing the hospital chair across the room.

My mom looks down at her arms and she suddenly lets out this howl. I have never heard anything like it in my life. The pain, the torment, the frustration. It is like her body is being ripped open, inside out.

Gemma's POV:

"Get me a fucking cover NOW!". Oh my god. Oh my god. They know. Why the fuck would they let my son see this?  
"Mom. Breathe. Breathe!"  
Jax is trying to console me, which just hurts me even more. He shouldn't have to see this. See what I have done to myself.  
Tara drapes another hospital gown over my shoulders. The stupid bitch! Why would she let my family see that?

"Why mom?" His beautiful blue eyes piercing through my soul. The tears bristening in his eyes.  
"Jax, don't worry about your ol' mom. And as for you Clay, focus on your deal with the Irish. I will be fine. Can I speak to Tara, alone?". I watch Tara nod, but my darling boy isn't having any of it. Stubborn, just like his mom.  
"But mom... we need to talk. And as for the Irish, that ain't important. You..."  
"Please Jaxson. You and Clay attend to your duties. I will talk with Tara".  
Tara ushers them out of the door. My god she must want to talk to me. I have no idea why, she should be terrified. I want to kill her.

"Yes Gemma?"  
"Yes? Fucking yes? You allowed my son and my husband to see my arms in that state! What is wrong with you?"  
She looks at me gobsmacked. "Gemma, of course they needed to see! They are your family, they need to understand the severity of the situation."  
"No they didn't Tara! There is no situation! Accidental injury whilst I was intoxicated! There is nothing else to it!"

Tara's POV:

"Accidental injury? Gemma you have at least 60 cigarette burns all over your arms! You intentionally burnt yourself. Intoxicated or not!" I am incredulous, how can she try to pass off such a serious case of self harm as accidental injury. She has obliterated her skin, and is trying to act like it never happened.  
" I was drunk, upset. It was a one off."  
" Those knife marks on your legs. Where they a one off as well?". She looks away, trying to avoid the question.  
"Look. Will you just discharge me and let me go home?" She snarls at me, trying to rip her tubes out.  
" Are you insane Gemma? You have had a heart attack due to malnutrition. You are not going to be discharged until you are back to a healthy weight. Anorexia and Self-harm? You are lucky that you aren't in the psychiatric ward!"  
Her eyes flicker with rage. " I am going home. I am an adult, I can do whatever the hell I want."  
"Gemma I will section you, if you try to leave. So help me god!"

"UNSERRRRRRRRR!" She shrieks with a harsh hoarse tone. She has single handedly deafened the entire hospital. 


	11. Chapter 11

****** "All I wanna do is cry, say my farewell's, pack up and leave tonight" ******

Unser's POV:

Sitting in this waiting room is painful. The feeling of uselessness just envelops you. Gemma is my life. I have known her since she was little, I have watched her grow up and have been by her side through everything. Being shut out is so hard. Knowing what she must be going through in her head is so hard.  
I see Jax and Clay coming out of the hospital room. I have never seen Jax look so troubled and defeated in my life, he is the fighter. As for Clay, I have no idea what is going on inside his head. I can't tell if he is sad about Gemma, or is just upset that he has shit to do and is being delayed.  
"What happened? What did she say?"  
Jax lets out a tremendous sigh and slumps down in the chair next to me. "She just keeps saying she is fine. Then she saw that her arms were on show and she lost her fucking mind."  
"Shit. She wouldn't have wanted you to see that shit. I know..."  
Clay glowers at me "You know so much about my fucking wife don't you? Shame you didn't know about this! Ahhh fuck this, I'm going." He stomps out of the waiting room smashing the doors on his way out.  
"I wish she had told me Jax. I wish she had confided in me, but honestly I had no idea"  
"I know you didn't, none of us did. Ignore Clay he is just blowing smoke."  
He is damn right there. Clay is just pissed that he has lost control of yet another aspect of his life. The guns, money and now his wife.

Suddenly I am snapped out of my thoughts by this tremendous scream.

"UNSERRRRRRR!"

Jax stands up. " Was that my mom?"  
"I think so."  
Out of the room comes a flustered looking Tara, with bedraggled hair and a purple face. "She wants you Unser." She wraps her arms around Jax, who looks distraught that she wants to speak to me and not him.  
"Son. I will go and see her, she can't face talking to you about what you have seen. She loves you far too much".  
"But she is my mom! She should be able to talk to me."  
"She will, but she loves you so much that she feels she can't right now. Even when she is at her lowest, her priority will always be you...Can I go in and see her now Tara?"

"Yes, but I will warn you that she is in a fragile state. She may hit you with some of her infamous rage."  
"No change there then!" I pat Jax on the back and make my way to Gemma. Never mind Gemma's fragile state, what about my own? How can I see such an important part of my life in such a terrible state.

Gemma's POV:

Where the hell is he? I need him. I need him to get me out of this hellhole.  
I can't believe that they all know. It is so humiliating, debilitating even. Momma dearest burns her skin, cuts her skin all because she is too cowardly to handle her problems head on. My reputation has been destroyed.  
I see Unser standing sheepishly in the doorway. I hate to see him looking so sad. I love the bones of him. "Don't just stand there Wayne. Come on in, but shut the door. I am sick to death of the fucking interrogation I am getting from Tara".  
"She is just worried about you Gemma. We all are".  
"Well there is no need to worry. Just help me to get out of this god damn place!".

Unser's POV:

What is she insane? She can't leave, she just had a heart attack!  
"Gemma, you know you can't leave sweetheart. You need to rest, get some help".  
"Help? I am fine. Honestly. I just have had a few rocky days that have caught up with me, that's all." She lethargicly smiles at me. God do I love her.  
"But Gem, you aren't fine. This is me you are talking to, you can drop the act 'cause I ain't buying it".  
I see the tears welling up in her eyes. "Please Wayne just leave it."  
" You started telling me before you collapsed. You think this not eating is going to make you feel better? Clearly it's not Gem. You are so ill. You need to stop doing this shit to yourself! As for the self-harming..."  
"Wayne. I just want to get out of here. Please. I hate it here. Please?".  
"It's not that simple Gemma. Legally they can't let you out until you are better. I don't think it would be good for you to be let out right now."  
"You can pull a few strings can't you? Tell Tara I will recover at home? I mean everyone will be watching every move I make now for fucks sake".  
"I will try to talk to Tara but on one condition. You have to talk to me Gemma. Tell me everything".  
She is crying her eyes out now, "I can't Wayne. Some shit needs to stay buried."  
"Gemma the reason you are in here is because you tried to keep shit buried! You can't Gemma. No one could try to handle what you have gone through without help. You want to get out of this hospital? Well that's the deal!".  
She stares at me in shock. I never usually raise my voice or lose my temper. I am even surprised at myself.  
"Fine. Whatever, just get me outta here!"

Clay's POV:

FUCK! I can't deal with this shit. I just don't need it. Why? Why would she do this to me? She's made me look like the shittest husband alive. Everything is just turning to shit. I need to talk to Tig. He is the only guy that can get my head straight.

20 minutes later

Just what I thought. I knew he would be here at the clubhouse drowing his sorrows. Tig either turns to chicks or drink when he is down, and it looks like drink lucked out today.  
"Drinking us dry ay?"  
"Clay! Shit how is Gemma? Is she gonna be okay?".  
"Nah. She is fucked up man, shit. Shit, shit, shit!" Smashing my crippled hands on the bar is the only way I can express the rage I am feeling. I don't want to cry. I can't cry. I won't cry.

But somehow I am crying.

Tig's POV:

"What do you mean Clay? What is wrong with her?"  
He inhales deeply, " She ain't been eating Tig".  
Woah. What does he mean she ain't eating? How can you not eat? "Why Clay? Why is she not eating?"  
"I'm fucked if I know. But its not even that... it's the...oh god".  
Shit. He is fucking freaking me out now. What else? "Go on Clay. You know you can talk to me".  
He shakes his head, like he is trying to process what he is saying himself. "She fucking burnt her own arms. About 60 cigarette burns...FUCK".  
" . You have got to be kidding. Not Gemma, nah". I can feel myself getting angry.

No one understands. No one knows. But I am in love with Gemma. I want to be with her. Clay honestly has no idea how god damn lucky he is to have her. Most women would run a mile if they had to contend with this shit she does. She was raped because of this clubs beef, and yet she is still here. Always looking after us but not herself. Fuck, I am devastated.

"You best believe it Tiggy! What am I going to do? I have so much shit going on with the Irish."  
Is he stupid? Like any of that matters? If I was Clay I would be in that hospital right now. "You put your wife first Clay! Show her you love her".  
His eyes widen with anger. "What the fuck do you mean, tiggy?".  
"After the ra...well what happened...she said to me that she was worried you didn't love her anymore".  
"Bullshit".  
"How about instead of arguing with me you go and talk to Gemma. Do the right thing for once for fucks sake!".

Unser's POV:

Shit...what the hell am I going to say to Tara? Please let Gemma out just because she promises to talk to me? I mean, I desperately want her to talk to me, confide in me; but I know there isn't a chance in hell that she is gonna be let out of this hospital, period.  
"Tara, can I talk to you a minute?"  
She breaks off her chat to Margaret Murphy or whatever she is called, and comes over to me. "Yes Wayne? Has she said anything?".  
"She has said she will talk to me..."  
"Oh that's great, talking is the first step when..."  
" If she is let out of the hospital. Asap."  
She stares at me like I am off a different planet. "Wayne. She just had a heart attack and she is clearly struggling with her mental health; and you just want me to discharge her? Are you insane?"  
"Yeah. But we want her to talk don't we? Can't she recover at home, I mean you are always round there; you can check on her".  
"Wayne. I do have an actual job besides checking on Gemma you know! Plus, if I let her out and she deteriorates, I could lose my career. No, it can't be done".  
"We would all keep an eye on her, make sure she is eating and taking it easy. You could also look in on her now and again. Tara, I know Gemma better than anybody. Either you discharge her in such a way that we can all be involved in her recovery, or she will escape and go away on her own. Which is better? Seriously?"  
"I can't Unser! Do you know how serious this is? She could die."

Wow. I never ever though I would hear that sentence. Not my Gemma. I love her. She's my absolute world. I couldn't lose her, no way. It would kill me to lose her. I can feel tears beginning to escape my eyes. "She won't die Tara. I won't allow it."  
"If she continues to starve herself she will die Wayne. I will talk to Margaret and see if there is anyway we could let Gemma recover at home. It is a long shot. A real long shot".  
"Thank you for trying. Thanks Tara". She gives me a hug and dashes off in search of Margaret. I have no idea why Gemma hates Tara so much. She is a sweetheart.

Gemma's POV:

Unser best be working his magic to get me out of here. I have hated hospitals ever since I was a kid. Plus I can feel this IV pumping fat into me. I can't stand it. The though of putting on any weight is terrifying. A fat ol' lady. A fat ol'lady that was gang raped. God what a fucking résumé.  
I have no idea how I am going to talk to Unser. I chose him because I don't want to burden Jax and Clay with my shit. They don't deserve that. I don't even know where to begin anyway. The shit I feel, the shit I think. It's scary. I don't even remember how to talk about what I feel. From a young age my mom taught me "You get it together Gemma. Crying is for the weak. Keep your pain inside you like a treasure chest. Locked away without the key". Every time I was upset I was told to go away and stop whining. Shit, keeping my feelings to myself is all I know. All I am good at.

I hear footsteps approaching, and suddenly Tara appears at the door.

"I need to talk to you Gemma. Now."


	12. Chapter 12

~ "Lately I've been hard to reach, i've been too long on my own". ~

Gemma's POV:

"Yeah, go on". She better be discharging me or there will be hell to pay I swear to god!  
"You want to be discharged? To recover at home? Well to even be considered there is some conditions."  
Great more conditions. Why can't they just leave me the hell alone. Who cares what I do with my life? Jesus. "What conditions?"  
"The first condition is that I still want you to be hooked up to an IV so you can get your weight up. Secondly, you have to attend sessions with the psychiatric nurse on the next ward. Like I told you to do after the rape. Finally, you are to talk to us. Your family. Whether you talk to Unser, Jax, Clay or even myself. You have got to let us in. Let us help you. Do you get that?"

Urggggggghhhhhh. I do want to be at home but I definitely do not want to be hooked up to a bag pumping me with fat. I also don't want to see a shitty shrink. They mess with your head. If you weren't fucked up before you talked to them you sure are after!  
"Jesus Tara. I gotta go home with a bloody drip? Shit. And a therapist...no... I.."  
"Gemma, this is not a negotiation! You adhere to these conditions or you are not getting out at all. Clear?"  
"Yeah. I get it. When can I go?"  
"We shall see in the morning. Have a decent sleep and I will assess the situation in the morning".  
The thought of spending a night in here terrifies me. I can't be alone with my own thoughts and no where to run to. At least when I am home I can go on midnight walks. Try and escape what I am feeling.  
"Tara. Do you have any sleeping pills or sedation?"

Tara's POV:

That's a first. I have never had a patient voluntarily ask to be sedated. Why the hell would she want that?  
"Yes, but why would you want that? Have you been struggling to get to sleep lately?"  
"Something like that, yeah."  
"Okay I will get you some medication to help you sleep".  
"Thanks doc."

Hour later...

I am glad I am leaving the hospital knowing that Gemma will be fast alseep. Not only will it comfort Jax, but it weirdly comforts me as well. I feel so conflicted. I think back to the arguments that we have had, how spiteful she can be. But then again I feel pain. Seeing the most head strong, powerful woman I know in so much mental pain. Really, in a twisted way I look up to Gemma, so I hate to see her in the state she is now. I mean she has gone from being untouchable to begging to be sedated to get away from the emotions whirring around inside her head.

I pull into the drive and see the lights on in Abel's bedroom. Jax must be seeking comfort in Abel. I get that, escaping from the harsh reality of adult life through embracing childhood innocence. Abel is a little lifeline for all of us.

I get in the door and see all of the kitchen has been cleaned. Man, he must be upset.

"Jax? Are you okay". I walk into the bedroom and see him lying on the bed with a sleeping Abel, his little arms draped around Jax's waist. Jax has clearly been crying; his eyes are all puffy and red.  
"How is my mom?"  
"Not great. But she wants to be discharged tomorrow."  
He looks at me, confusion etched across his face. "I thought she was too ill?"  
"Well technically she is. But Unser spoke to me and said at least we can all keep an eye on her if she is at home, alternatively she could slip out and go off on her own. Which would be ten times more dangerous. What do you think Jax?"  
"Well I want her home, more than anything. We need to make up for not looking after her... shit. We really have let her down haven't we?"  
"No. You haven't let her down. No one has. Gemma is very much a closed book. She didn't give an inclination anything was seriously wrong until it was too late".  
He puts his arms around me. "Will she get better?"  
"It is going to be a very long process Jax. Everyone is going to have to do their bit to help her. She is in a real bad place Jax. She asked me tonight if I would sedate her so she could get a decent sleep".  
"Oh fucking hell. I can't believe I let this happen to my mom. I will have to step down from the club for a while to keep an eye on her".  
"No Jax! That would kill her. Why do you think she was so hostile when I came back? She was scared you would leave the club. It would break her even more of you did that."  
"How else are we going to keep an eye on her? Shit you know what she is like."  
"We will work it out Jax. I promise. Now lets go to bed. We will be no use if we are exhausted ourselves. Your mom is sound a sleep right now Jax. Trust me".  
He gently manoeuvres himself out of Abel's arms and grabs my hand. "Okay. Thank you so much Tara."

Gemma's POV:

Urggggh my head is pounding. But at least I actually had some sleep for once. I can't remember the last time I slept for more than four hours. It seems like a lifetime ago. I can't wait to get out of this hospital. I hate being confined, I need space, just not too much of it.  
My god have I put weight on since I have been in here, it is so shitty having to put weight on. It just means I will be ten times more unattractive to Clay. I will never be good enough for him. I remember when I was in my prime, my god did he love me. Now I am old and used I am past my purpose. When men get on they are revered. When women get old they are tossed aside, and I know all about that. I need to keep the weight off, not just to try and get Clay back; but for my own sanity.

Jax's POV:

I couldn't sleep at all, my head is just spinning. Why would my mom do this shit to herself? When did she become so withdrawn? When did she become so thin? Shit, it is like we were all so self involved that we couldn't see what was right infront of us. I gotta find Tara, ask if she is letting my mom out today.  
I head to the kitchen and see her standing there, cooking waffles for me and Abel. I can't thank Tara enough, she manages to keep shit normal for Abel. She manages to keep me calm. She is incredible. "Hey babe". I wrap my arms around her and peck her on the cheek.  
"Hey baby. How did you sleep?"  
"Not good really, kept thinking about mom".  
"Understandable. Jax... I am going to disharge her today, are you okay to deal with that? Someone is going to have to keep an eye on her."  
"Of course. You sure?"  
She shakes her head, her dark hair swaying from side to side. "Not really. This is a massive chance for her, to recover without a clinic. She is lucky to have not been sectioned Jax."  
My god. The thought of my actual mother being sectioned is scary. I am so glad Tara is not letting that happen. "Is Anita coming to watch Abel for us?".  
"Yeah she is...walking down the drive this minute actually!" Tara dashes to the door to let her in.  
"Tara can we go now?"  
"Yes. What about your waffles?"  
"I'm not feeling it, you know with my mom and that. I just want her back home."  
"Okay Jax. Let's go".

Tara's POV:

I keep trying to convince myself that I am doing the right thing, discharging Gemma, but I just feel uneasy. She can't afford to get worse. She might not be so lucky to wake up from another heart attack. I mean I have gotten Margaret's permission, albeit reluctantly. I just hope to god that Gemma has seen this as a massive wake up call, that she will die if she doesn't get better. "You wait here Jax, I will go in to see her, formally discharge her and then she will be with you".  
"Okay. Thanks Tara, I don't know what I would do without you".

10 minutes later...

I gingerly knock on the door in case the sedation hasn't wore off. But as I put my head around the door I can see that she is wide awake.  
"Gemma, How are you feeling?" She looks better since spending some time in the hospital, but to look at her in general you can tell she is still severely emaciated.  
"Better doc. Thanks for the pills."  
"Good. Gemma I have a few papers here for you to sign and then you can go home. Me and Jax will take you home, I will sort your IV out and get you settled. That okay?"  
"Thanks Tara. I mean that. I hate these god damn places they give me the chills".  
"Listen Gemma. You must take it easy at home. Not too much movement, plenty of rest and food. You will have to eat meals as well as having the IV."  
She looks at me stunned. "You have got to be joking doc, I will be as fat as a fool."  
"Gemma. That attitude is why I have had reservations discharging you. You need to get better, you are still severely ill."  
"Whatever doc, can we go now?"  
"Yes, sign these and I will collect your things."

30 minutes later...

God that car journey was painful. Jax kept trying to talk to Gemma about how she was feeling but she just cleverly deflected the attention and changed the subject. She managed to get Jax talking about the Irish and their guns, and whether Clay had settled his beef with Alvarez. I honestly have no idea how Unser expects Gemma to confide in him. Judging by her actions in the car, she ain't talking to nobody.

I am assembling the drip for her, she demanded that she wanted to be mobile, so it is attached to a hospital stand with wheels. I can hear her talking to Jax, talking heatedly?

"Listen Jax! You go and do your club duties, I will be fine."

I enter the living room with the drip. "No you are not to be left on your own Gemma! Remember the conditions I gave to you?"  
"Why should Jax miss out on club duties to look after his old mom?"  
"Well in that case I am going to call Unser to see if he can come over. Is that okay?" I hook her up to the drip. She knew this was the deal.  
She exaggeratedly sighs, "I suppose, at least that way I am not a burden to Jax".

"Jax will you come into the kitchen with me? For a chat?"  
"Yeah".  
He looks so forlorn, like a lost puppy. "Listen I will call Unser and wait until he arrives. You go on and do your duties."  
"But I don't want to leave my mom."  
" It will just stress her out if she thinks you are missing out on something with the club. I will make sure she is looked after."  
"Thank you baby. I love you so much".  
" I love you too Jax. Speaking of love, you might want to tell her husband that his wife is home?".  
" I will track him down. He ain't answering his texts, the shit!" And with that he slams out of the door, nearly taking it off its hinges.

Unser's POV:

I am dozing off in the car when I suddenly feel my phone vibrating in my back pocket. Oh its Tara calling me, shit, I hope Gemma is okay.  
"Hey?"  
"Hey Unser, it is me. I don't suppose you are free by any chance?"  
"Yeah I am. I mean I am a cop with cancer. I don't have much to do nowadays. Is Gemma okay?"  
"She is at home now, I discharged her this morning. I have to go back to the hospital so I need someone to keep an eye on her".  
"I'm on it. I will be there in about 10 minutes".  
"Thank you so much Wayne".

Gemma's POV:

God this is so awkward. Tara is just sat staring at me. Every breath I take she is watching me. Her eyes are literally glued to me. "Will you cut it out Tara?"  
"What? I'm not doing anything".  
"You are staring at me like I am some endangered creature!"  
"I am just keeping an eye on you Gemma. You know the conditions. You can't afford to somehow become detatched from your drip".  
"Tara. It is not like I am in any state to run a fucking triathlon is it? Plus this drip is fucking pointless".  
I can see Tara getting irritated. "That 'pointless' drip is keeping you alive! You are beginning to make me regret discharging you. I can easily hospitalise you again Gemma! I will not hesitate."  
"Alright. Alright. Sorry. What about your job? Isn't that stupid bitch of a boss going to have a shit fit that you aren't in surgery?".  
"Unser is going to be here in a minute, and then I will head back. Gemma...you do know how seriously ill you actually are, don't you?"  
"Yeah. Whatever."  
I hear a knock on the door. God, that is all I need. Wayne asking questions now!  
"Gemma. Please talk to Wayne. Talk to someone. We all care about you, and want the best for you".  
"Thanks sweetheart, but I am fine now. I am perfectly fine."

Tara's POV:

Shit. I have a feeling that I have made a massive mistake. She is in such denial and is so reluctant to accept that she needs to get better.  
I head to the door and open it to see a tired looking Unser. Looks like he didn't sleep much either.  
"Hey Wayne."  
"How is she?"  
"Her usual self. Brushing everything off in a carefree attitude. There are a few things you need to do for me Wayne. Is that okay?"  
"Shoot".  
"You need to try to get her to eat something. I don't care how little at this stage. A salad or a sandwich, just anything. We need to try and get her back on to eating meals again".  
"Shit Tara. That ain't going to be no easy task".  
Bless him. He looks terrified. "Just try your best. If not, I will make her eat something tonight. Also make sure she doesn't try to lose the drip".  
"Okay. You get off. I will handle it."  
"Thank you so much Wayne". I quickly kiss him on the cheek and rush out of the door. Margaret is going to kill me for how late I am.

Unser's POV:

My god I am so nervous. I am going to have to bite the bullet and be strong. She needs to know that there are no excuses. She has to eat to get better. She has to talk to get peace of mind. I walk into the living room. She is slumped on the couch, a drip hooked onto her arm. My god she looks so frail.  
This isn't Gemma Teller. This isn't the woman I knew. She is a shadow of her former self. I can't let her do this to herself. I won't!

"Right Gemma. Time you started talking".


	13. Chapter 13

* I'm hating my reflection, I walk round trying to fight mirrors. I can't stand what I look like, yeah I look fat". *

Gemma's POV:

Oh god. Like I need this? I was just discharged from the hospital. Why can't they just leave me alone? "Not now Wayne. Let me be".

"No Gemma. We had a deal, I stuck to my end of the deal; you stick to yours".

"What are you Wayne? A fucking shrink? There isn't anything to say. I was in hospital, I am out now. Big deal."

"You are right. I ain't a shrink. I am a fucking friend who is scared to death his best friend will end up dead." He storms off into the kitchen, banging about in the cupboards. Shit. I can see where this is going.

"I wouldn't try it Wayne. This shit I have hooked on my arm is feeding me."

He throws a plate of salad on the armchair. "Okay then Gemma. Prove to me that there is nothing wrong. Eat it."

Unser's POV:

She shoves the plate back in to my hand. "I ain't hungry Wayne. Please…."

"Prove to me you are okay Gemma." I place it back down on the arm chair. It is the smallest plate I could find. If she can't eat two lettuce leaves and one tomato….my god is she in trouble.

"NO! I don't want it!"

"What do you want Gemma? Do you want Jax to walk in the kitchen one day and find his mother dead on the floor? A blood-soaked floor with your wrists gaping open? Or even better, your darling grandson Abel to find you dead on the floor from a massive heart attack? With your bones piercing through your nightclothes, an image that would haunt Abel all the way into adulthood? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?"

She is crying her eyes out. "STOP Wayne. Please stop".

"How about you stop doing this shit to yourself? EAT."

She puts the edge of the lettuce leaf to her mouth. Her hand is shaking with sheer terror and she is crying profusely now. The tears are staining her cheeks in blotches. I feel like being sick. The strongest woman I know has been reduced to this. She throws the lettuce leaf back on the plate, "I can't Wayne. I just can't. I'm sorry".

"Okay Gemma, it's okay. I am sorry for yelling". I sit down next to her and cradle her in my arms. It is like she is a little girl again. The little girl I used to catch skipping school. The little girl I used to catch when she would run away from home. The little girl I used to look out for. I am heartbroken. That is the only way I can describe how I am feeling right now.

She looks up at me, her eyes streaming. "Sorry Wayne. I am so sorry".

"You ain't got anything to be sorry for sweetheart. But, you do need to talk to me; let me help you".

"But I don't feel like anything is wrong". She is so oblivious to the damage that she is doing to herself. She cannot see what we see.

"Do you think you are fat? Is that it? Because you ain't; you never were. You are so beautiful Gemma. You always have been." She is shaking her head at me. She has never been one for compliments.

"Urggggh. I don't know. I just feel worthless, I guess. Like I have lost my purpose in this life."

Woah. I don't like that talk at all. "Why would you feel like that? You have a husband, a son and a grandson. You are surrounded by family. You do have a purpose! You are needed."

She snorts. "A husband huh? He resents me Wayne. He hates me."

"What? That's bull, he worships you Gemma. You are his queen".

"Was. Past tense Wayne. Having your wife gang-raped in an old- storage lot kind of puts an end to a relationship. She loses her appeal, her attractive nature. I have become…..unwanted."

I can't believe what she is saying. Surely Clay hasn't been acting in such a way that she would infer he doesn't want her anymore? "Gemma. You are wrong. Very wrong".

She laughs, looking up at the ceiling. "Am I? See, the resentment he feels towards me builds every day. Why did she get in that car and drive off; when getting supplies could have waited? Why did she wear that lace top that night, revealing too much skin? Why didn't she fight harder? That's what he thinks".

I jump up out of my seat. "Gemma, you better not be suggesting that the rape was in any way your own fault!"

"Well, it kinda was my fault if you think about it. I shouldn't have believed that dumb blonde who said her kid was sick. I should have fought harder than I did… to stop what was happening. I shouldn't have been such a provocative ol' lady. I was a sitting duck Wayne.".

"You stop this now Gemma! What those animals did to you was not your fault! None of this is your god damn fault." I punch the wall because I am so angry. Angry that she blames herself. Angry that Clay has made her feel this way. Angry that I wasn't there to save her that night.

"Well, whatever. Clay despises me and that's that."

"Is that why you aren't eating? In the hope you become more appealing to Clay?"

I watch her glance down at the tube in her arm. "Partly. I wanted to reinvent myself after the rape. I wanted Clay to look at me and realise that he still loved me. But that was to no avail. I also did it for myself. Every day I look in the god damn mirror Wayne, and all I see is this fat, old woman and I hate it! I hate it! Not eating feels so good Wayne. Better than words could ever describe. It stems the self-hate. It doesn't stop it; but god do I feel it less."

"And what about the cigarette burns? Does that make you feel better too?"

"I was pissed out of my brains Wayne. I felt upset about arguing with Jax, angry at myself and I was flat-out drunk. A recipe for disaster". She is fidgeting, picking at her nails. She clearly doesn't want to talk about those burns. But she needs to, we need to stop her from ever doing anything like this again.

"Did it make you feel better though? Did you enjoy it?"

"Wayne….can we just leave it now?"

"Nope. Not even close to finishing this Gem. Did you enjoy burning yourself?"

"Yes! At the god damn time I did! Now, not so much."

"Why? Because your arms now hurt, or because we found out?"

She laughs at me. "A mixture of the two Wayne. Can we just leave it? I made a mistake, big deal. It ain't gonna happen again."

"That is the point Gemma. It has happened before, hasn't it? The cuts on your legs? Yes, Tara told us".

"Wayne, I don't want to fucking talk about this. Just Leave it."

I knew she would get defensive over this. She hates admitting that anything is wrong; because she thinks it makes her look weak. But, if anything, it takes a strong person to admit they need help. "How long Gemma? How long have you been…. god I hate to even say it…..hurting yourself?"

"If you must fucking know, I started up again last year. Why would you hate to ask if I have 'hurt myself'? Like, what does it matter".

"Started up again? … You know what Gemma? I think you have no idea the god damn love I have for you. You are the only true friend I have; so obviously I am going to be fucking upset! You hurting yourself is fucking upsetting!"

"Look, when I was younger, and I got angry or upset I would…hurt myself in certain ways. Punching myself, scratching myself so I bled; that kinda thing. As I grew up smoking and drinking became the new ways I would cope with stressful situations. But last year I got back into…. you know….."

"Why last year? Abel?"

"Yeah I cut myself a couple of times when Abel was in hospital, I mean we all thought he was going to die. When he was out of the woods, I stopped for a bit, but then I started doing it again. Started doing it a lot more."

"Why?" I am so struggling to process this information. She is so frank about it, like it doesn't even matter what she is doing to herself. She devalues herself so much, that she honestly believes cutting herself is justifiable. Like shit, things have gotten so bad and I had no idea. No idea at all.

"Do you remember Cherry?"

"Yeah, that girl you wacked with a skateboard?"

She sniggers. "Yeah, that tart from Nevada."

"What about her?"

"Wayne, how do you think it made me feel when she turned up at the garage? All the boys; Bobby, Tig, Juice and shit even Prospect, looking at me with sad eyes and guilty expressions because they knew my husband had nailed her. Do you have any idea how humiliating that was? My husband had played away with a pretty, skinny and young tart from Nevada. 3 strikes and I'm out. I have never, ever, felt so shit about myself in my whole life."

"Gem, I thought you were okay about all that. You made it clear that you were pissed, but you never showed any of this".

"And that is why Wayne, I am the master of deception!"

"It ain't funny Gem, you should have confided in someone. Let us know how you were really feeling".

"What difference would it make Wayne? I would have just looked like a bitter, old bitch whose nose was put out of joint because her husband had upgraded. But yeah…. That is when I began to cut myself every day, sometimes more than once. I ain't gonna apologise, it made me feel better at the time".

"Gemma. You literally have no sense of self-worth at all. He didn't upgrade, he cheated with some chick who was easy. You should never had been put in a position where you would need to resort to doing that to yourself. You are worth so much more". I look at her eyes and can see them overflowing with tears.

"Thanks sweetheart, you have always been the flatterer". She sounds choked up. I guess she ain't used to being told she is worth it.

"Gemma, I ain't flattering. I am telling the truth."

"Wayne, I am very tired. I think I am gonna go and lie down." I steady her as she stands up. She slowly moves towards her bedroom, trying to steer her drip.

"Gemma?"

"Yeah?"

"Where were you going that day? Before you collapsed?"

"I ain't gonna lie Wayne. I thought about it."

"Thought about what?" I am genuinely confused. I have been struggling to work out where she was heading that day. It has puzzled me ever since she was first admitted to hospital. Like, where else could she run to?

"Killing myself".


	14. Chapter 14

Sorry for such a late update, university joys! But the story is going to continue, what is going to happen to Gemma?

Unser's POV:

And with that my world crushed around me. The thought of her not being in my life, it is devastating. I am trying to process what I just heard, how the thought could even cross her mind. "You can't be serious Gemma? Please tell me you didn't. Please".  
She is slumped against the wall leading into her bedroom staring at me, her eyes are the epitomy of sorrow. "Wayne...I am so sorry. So sorry".  
"Don't fucking say sorry to me! Say sorry to your fucking self! How could you even think about it? You stupid, stupid..."  
"Bye Wayne." And with that she staggers into the bedroom, locking the door.  
"Don't you fucking dare Gemma! You think you can drop that bombshell and pretend it never happened? Gemma!" I bang on the bedroom door, but yet again I am shut out. As soon as she lets me into her inner world, she shuts me back out. It's a mixture between heartbreaking and just frustrating. I am so angry and hurt right now that words couldn't express it. I turn around and see Clay stood behind me. The shock and pain etched on his face. He heard. He heard the news that his own wife, wanted to kill herself.

Clay's POV:

The fucking serve I got off Jax when he turned up at the clubhouse made me abandon my duties to come home and see her.  
"Clay, you piece of shit. Mom is home, do your fucking job as a husband and be there for her".  
Man, am I sick of his nerve. But I decided to come home and listen to his advice. Jesus christ, I didn't envision walking in on the shitstorm I have just heard.  
Hearing Gemma say that she thought about killing herself, man. Shit. I had no idea shit had gotten that bad. No idea at all. The thought of my wife, doing that to herself. It's fucking awful. I am so fucking angry her. I bang on the door, "You selfish piece of shit Gemma! You think you can torture everyone else with your bullshit, do you? Do you like making me look bad? You bitch!"  
I feel Unser grab my shoulders and he pushes me away from the door. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING CLAY?"  
"It's my fucking wife Wayne, not yours!"  
"Well that's a fucking joke, you pushed her to this! If anyone is fucking selfish it's YOU!"  
And before I know it, I have knocked him to the ground. Incandescent rage. Undeniable rage. Just rage. I can't stop kicking him.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Then I see Tara. She is rooted to the spot in shock.

Tara's POV:

I pull into the drive. Margaret gave me the rest of the day off to supervise Gemma. Margaret is scared she is going to die and the hospital will be liable. I am just scared she is going to die. I don't give a shit about the hospital. Jax wouldn't cope if anything happened to Gemma. I'm not sure if I would cope. I know we have a love-hate relationship, but if I am honest it is mainly love. She has been my teacher. A big support. She has got to pull through.

I arrive at the door and suddenly hear a large commotion. I hear Clay screaming, and is that Unser gasping?

I shakily grab my keys and open the door. I can't actually believe what I am seeing! Clay is kicking the living shit out of Unser! How in the fuck is that supposed to help Gemma's situation?

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" And with that Clay stops kicking Unser and swivels around to look at me.  
"Tara. It's not what it looks like...I just..."  
"I dash over to Unser who is lying on the floor, his face black and blue. "Just shut the FUCK up Clay! Oh my god Wayne, are you okay?"  
He nods gingerly, the pain evident on his face. I help him to his feet and sit him on the couch. I dash to the freezer and get him some ice. Meanwhile Clay is just standing there watching me. "Tara..."  
"Don't even bother talking to me. Where is Gemma Unser?"  
"She has locked herself in the bedroom. My god what a fucking mess this is". He is lisping, his lip swelling as he speaks.  
"Why the fuck are you two fighting? Seriously, the only reason she was discharged was to recover in a stable environment, what a fucking joke that is!" I can't help myself, I am just so bloody angry. I can't trust anyone in this fucking club to look after Gemma.  
Clay flashes me a look of pure anger. "You would be fucking bouncing off the walls if you had been here and heard what she fucking said. Fucking hell, fucking hell, FUCKING HELL! He is slamming his fists into the walls and kicking the furniture to shit.  
You can't have a conversation with someone in that state. I turn to Unser. "What did she say?"  
He slouches further down in the chair. "I was talking to her, like you said, and she was telling me shit about her cutting herself and then..."  
"What?" Unser is seriously scaring me now. He is on the verge of tears.  
"She...said that on the day she collapsed that she thought about...killing herself".

Shit. I was not expecting that. I didn't think she was suicidal. Obviously she has been depressed to be self-harming and starving herself. But wanting to take her own life? Jesus christ, I had no idea that things had gotten so bad inside her head.

"And she is alone in that room now? Is she still hooked up to the drip?".  
Wayne looks at me blankly. "I have no fucking idea. She was sick of talking and locked herself in there."  
"Well we need to get her out. One, in her state of mind and being witness to the shitshow between you two, she is probably not in a good state right now. Also, I presume she hasn't eaten? Well she needs some food inside her asap. Especially if she has detached herself from her drip." I dash over to the door. "Gemma? It's Tara, please open the door".  
Nothing. Not a single sound. Shit.

I turn around to Unser. "Ring Jax and even get the club. We need someone to get her out of this fucking room."  
"On it" He grabs his cell and starts calling. I glance over at Clay.  
"Clay. You have got to pull yourself together. You have got to be strong for your wife. You gotta stop this being selfish bullshit. This is about Gemma. NOT YOU. Go and get some air, and come back when you think you can be of some fucking use." He looks shocked, shocked that someone told him some home truths. But without uttering a sound he leaves.

I keep knocking on the door but there is just no response. I am trying not to show it, but I am pretty fucking alarmed at this point. What is she doing in there?

~ "And in the bad times I fear myself" ~


	15. Chapter 15

Sorry for the late update. I have been inundated with university work. Essays after essays. But this story shall continue! Please bear with me!

This Chapter addresses Gemma's mental state in slightly more depth, as the voices in her head become to much to bear...

Gemma's POV:

Shit. Shit. Shit. I shouldn't have fucking told him that! What the fuck was I thinking? Now he knows just how pathetic I am, and he will tell Jax. I have messed up big time. I fucking hate myself. All I want to do is confide in someone, let them in on all this shit going through my mind. But, when I do let someone in, it feels so wrong. I feel like such a let down.

I fucking hate myself.

And I hate this drip, fuelling me with disgusting fat that I don't want! I rip it out of my arm. The blood splatters everywhere. On my clothes, the wall, the floor. But I just don't care. As long as the fat ain't going in my body, it don't matter. The pain feels so...satisfying.  
I suddenly snap out of my thoughts and all I can hear is yelling. Shit, that's Clay. What the hell does he want?

Before I know it the door is being bashed in. All I can hear is "you fucking bitch" and how "selfish" I am. Like I don't know this shit? Trust me, no matter how much Clay hates me, it will never be as much as I hate myself. Shit, it would be easier if I had killed myself. Then he wouldn't have to deal with my selfish ass ruining his god damn life. I ain't opening that god damn door. All I want to be is left alone, left to feel the pain. Pain is the only way that I know I am real anymore.

The sounds of Clay screaming ricochet around my head. My mind is like a war zone. Loud. Too loud.

He _is telling the truth Gemma. You are a bitch. A fat ugly bitch. Why are you even alive? What purpose do you have? I wish you were gone. Clay wishes you gone. Jax wishes you were gone. Poor Jax, having a mother like you. Having a whore of a mother like you! You know that you are a whore don't you Gemma? DON'T YOU?_  
 _You weren't raped Gemma, you wanted it to happen! You wanted it all._ You deserved it!

"STOP". I smash my hand into the wall. I need to hear a sound. I need to drown out my mind.

 _Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore! Those poor men Gemma, accusing them of rape when they did nothing!_

"Nothing? Nothing? They raped me! They attacked me!"

 _No they didn't. You made it up because you are an attention seeking whore. You made it up because you know that Clay doesn't love you anymore and you hate it! No one loves you Gemma!_

"FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Tara's POV:

All of a sudden I hear Gemma scream "FUCK OFF", at the top of her lungs.

I turn to Wayne, "We have got to get her out of there NOW! Ring Jax again. Shit!"  
I bang on the door as hard as I can, "Gemma? GEMMA? Please open this door! Open the door!".  
But there is just silence. Pure silence. I am terrified, she has that outburst and then suddenly goes quiet. This is not good at all.  
Just before Wayne has time to redial Jax's cell, he arrives on cue; nearly pulling the door off of its hinges.

"TARA! What is happening?"  
"Gemma has locked herself in. I have no idea if she is still attached to her drip, no idea what she is doing in there! We have got to get to her Jax!"  
Jax starts kicking the door as hard as he can, his strength slowly causing the door to crumble.

Finally the door comes off of its frame. I dash in as quick as I can, and I see her.

There is blood everywhere. Gemma is slumped against the wall.

Jax rushes in behind me. Shouting, screaming and shrieking. He goes to dash over to her, but I pull him back. "You can't touch her Jax! We don't know what she has done! Wait outside, just let me help her".  
"I'm not leaving her.. I.."  
"Jax. Jax!" I gently slap him on the cheek, "Listen to me! Leave, I need to see what medical attention she needs!"  
Bobby enters the room and turns an unholy shade of green. "Come on Jax, let the doc do her job".

As soon as Jax has been dragged away I dash over to Gemma. She is dazed, her eyes rolling around in her head.  
"Gemma. Gemma can you hear me?"  
"Yes" she croaks, trying to move herself off the floor.  
"Don't move! What have you done? Have you cut yourself?"  
"No. Just smashed my head into the wall. Punched the wall. Regular shit."  
"I don't think that counts as 'regular shit' Gemma. No wonder you are feeling dazed. I am going to sedate you Gemma, do you understand?"  
"Yeah sure. Whatever"...

20 minutes later:

I walk into the living room and Jax pratically flies off of his seat. "Is she okay? Is she okay?"  
"I think okay is the wrong word to use in this situation. She is a complete mess mentally Jax. She is significantly worse than I thought."  
"Why? What has she done? You are scaring me Tara"  
"Shit Jax. I don't even know where to begin."  
"Oh god. Shit! Shit! What Tara?"  
" She ripped her drip out with so much force that she has collapsed the vein in her arm, and she has completely fucked up her right hand."  
"What do you mean?"  
"She smashed her hand so hard into the wall that she has broken two knuckles and four fingers. Shit, she must have been in agonising pain." I look at Jax and he looks completely crushed. Bobby looks awful, like he has seen a ghost. Wayne.. he looks devastated.  
"Has...has she done anything else?" Jax looks so scared, that I honestly feel like bursting into tears.  
"It looks like she also smashed her head into the wall, judging by the large bruise on her forehead. She was trying to cause herself maximum pain. She...shit. I...I honestly do not know what to do here Jax."  
"What do you mean? What are you going to do?"  
" If Margaret had any idea that Gemma was this ill she would have her sectioned, and me sacked! Jax...She is a lot worse than what I thought. A lot worse".  
"Wait a minute, what caused all of this? Why did she flip out like that?"

I look over to Unser, whose eyes have locked with mine. How the hell are we going to tell Jax that Gemma wanted to kill herself? How can you tell a son that his mother is so suicidal? How?

Luckily Unser breaks the crippling silence. "Jax, lets go outside and I will explain everything. Leave Tara to tend to your mom. Okay?"

Jax looks at me, but I have to look away. I feel awful leaving Unser to depart the news, but I just can't face it.

Unser's POV:

As soon as I locked eyes with Tara I knew I had to speak to Jax. She is traumatised enough, without having to deal with a frustrated, raging Jax. As much as I adore the lad, he struggles with his emotions massively. I guess he gets that from his mom.

Jax throws his body down on the concrete outside. He is hunched over, his body shaking. I can't tell if he is shaking with fear or anger.  
"What Unser? WHAT HAPPENED? You said you could look after her!"  
"She was fine, well not fine but..you know."  
"WHAT?"  
"She was beginning to open up to me, talking to me about how she was feeling. And then she told me...and it shook me Jax. I didn't see it coming"  
"Unser. Please. Just tell me." He is running his hands through his hair. Her golden boy. I close my eyes. An attempt to brace myself for what I am about to say.  
"She.. said she wanted to...kill herself Jax. FUCK! She wanted to kill herself that day she collapsed!"

And with that Jax is crushed. He gets up off the ground and storms off into the distance. Kicking his bike on the way. 


	16. Chapter 16

Jax's POV:

Fuck. I...I don't even know where to go from here. How can you just stand by and watch your own mom destroy herself? I just don't understand... why does she feel this way? Why did we let this happen? I let Clay, the Club and my own bullshit matter more than my god damn mom! I need to talk to someone, anyone. I just can't deal with this on my own.

Tara's POV:

Sitting down on the edge of Gemma's bed, I take a good look at her. She is a complete wreck. Exhausted, starved and depressed. The pain is still etched across her face whilst she is sleeping.

I just don't know where the strong woman I know has gone. She was Gemma Teller, the most admirable bitch ever. God we have had some fights! She hated me for being in love with her golden boy, for wanting to leave Charming with him. I had always assumed she was just being an interfering bitch, but Abel has taught me so much. Taught me that I would be the same if someone tried to steal him from me. He may not be my biological son, but fuck do I love that kid. I would go full psycho bitch to keep him around.

But Gemma has lost all fight in her.

I never, ever thought I would grow to care as much about Gemma as I do right now. I might hate her sometimes, but my god do I fucking love her as well. She is like a really inappropriate role model, bat shit crazy but she is still a strong and independent woman.

I hear Unser come back in. Shit, he must have had it rough. I am too scared to even go out to him. I left him to tell Jax the worst news of his life! That is a shitty thing to do.

Before I can muster the courage to go to him, Unser uneasily walks into the room. His eyes are locked on Gemma.

"What are you going to do doc?"  
" I don't know Wayne. I just don't know! She shouldn't be out of hospital, I made a huge and potentially fatal mistake."  
" Tara, I know she should be in hospital; but the fact is she won't stay. She will find some way to escape, some way to avoid help. She is not safe here, but she is a lot safer than she would be in the hospital."  
"How can you say that after today? After the shitshow of her being home?"  
"I dropped the ball Tara. I pushed her too much and... I fucking flipped out when she talked about..you know?" He is still fixating on Gemma, watching her strained breathing.  
I put my hand on his back. "Wayne. Listen to me. You have done nothing wrong, you reacted how anyone else would have done. You did amazing to get her talking to you at all! She trusts you!"  
"Thanks doc. But I still feel pretty shit."  
" How do you think I feel Wayne? What kind of medical professional allows for this to happen? I should have taken the day off, looked after her."  
"You have to work Tara. She wouldn't want you to miss work."  
"Exactly. She is putting everyone else before herself! She needs to be looked after."  
" I know. I know! This situation is fucking awful."  
I look at Wayne's eyes brimming with tears; and it hits home to me how bad this is. How soul destroying it is to watch someone you love self destruct.  
"Did you talk to Jax?"  
"Yeah. Fuck me that was shit."  
"Well? What happened? Where is he?"  
"He stormed off, god knows where he is".  
"Shit." I hope he doesn't do anything stupid. Take out his anger on someone who doesn't deserve it.  
Unser gently taps my shoulder. "It will be okay doc. The lad will need some space to process what he has heard. Fucking awful shit. I mean its bad enough for me, but she is his god damn mom."  
"I know. I know."  
"So? You decided what is going to happen next?"  
"Well she is properly sedated now, she probably will not wake until the morning. Then...I don't know.. Look, I am going to tell you something now and then you will understand why I am so worried about her being at home."  
"What?"  
"When she was brought in, we took her straight to theatre. Whilst she was in there, she died. The paddles only just brought her back to life."  
Wayne's eyes are practically bulging out of his head. "How come you didn't tell us?"  
"We saved her. I didn't think it was necessary to worry you all more. But the fact remains, she was dead Wayne."

Jax's POV:

Dad's grave.

Ironically the only place that I am ever free to think. Free to feel. I lay my head against his gravestone, and I feel peace. My god do I wish he was here. He would understand the pain that I am feeling right now, he would whisper wise words that would get me through this shit that I feel.

I feel like my heart is breaking, again. I felt like dying when Abel was in the toaster; and now I feel that same pain. The agonising wait. I can't lose my mom; hell, she is the only one who keeps me from losing my shit. I feel so alone. My dad is in a grave, and my mom is heading to an early one.

My life is falling apart.

Piney's POV:

I ride past the cemetary and spot Jax. Shit, I better go and talk to him. I have no idea what is going on with Gemma; I just keep hearing bits and pieces. Whatever it is, it must be destroying that lad.

I get off my bike and head over to him. I can see from here that he is crying. Shit, that lad reminds me so much of John; John was never afraid to shed tears. But it was always in private. Jax is his double, thank fuck for that. So glad he is nothing like Clay. Treacherous bastard.  
"Jax?"  
He wipes the tears away from his eyes, but his eyes deceive him, and more come tumbling down. "You alright Piney?" His voice is shaking.  
"Think that's what I should be asking you?"  
"I've been better Piney. Hell of a lot better."  
"Ain't we all? I would drink to that."  
Jax grunts, the best laugh he could muster. "I hate it Piney".  
"Hate what?"  
"The way life's been treating me lately. I feel like I get handled shit after shit, and no matter how hard it is to get through it, there is just nothing good on the other side. I feel like I struggle on and on, and get nothing in return."  
"Jax, I am going to tell you the same thing I tell Opie when he is down. Get your head out of your ass, grow a dick and handle your shit! You have been dealt a rough time, but you are not the only one. Yes your kid was ill, but he came out the other side! The same will happen with Gemma, whatever may be going on, it will get better! "  
Jax violently shakes his head at me. "It ain't going to Piney! My mom is fucking destroyed. She..."  
"What? What's the matter boy".  
"She ain't eating. Period. She fucking burns holes into her skin, and I found out today that she...FUCCCCCCCK!"  
He is tearing his hair out, screaming loud enough to wake the sodding dead.  
"What? She what?"  
"The day she was taken to hospital, she wanted to end her life. My mom wanted to kill herself! And by the look of it she still does".  
I grab Jax and pull him into a hug. His tears are smearing my cut.

Clay's POV:

I fucked that up big time! Proper fucked it up. I can't...don't want to deal with this shit!  
Why am I being blamed for shit I didn't do? Why should I be sat in my own god damn clubhouse feeling like shit? I have done nothing; and yet I am the fucking fall guy. Well, they can all fuck off.

I am sat smoking the shit out of my cigar when Bobby comes in. Bobby is loyal, he ain't going to be giving me a lecture.  
"BOBBBYYYYY, how are you man?"

But something is off, really off. Bobby doesn't utter a word; and he looks like complete shit. "What is it Bobby?"  
He shakes his head. "I've just come from yours."  
"Mmm. Guess I am being ripped apart? Are they all saying that I'm a shit..."  
"Shut up Clay. Just shut up."  
"HEY! Watch how you talk to your prez, don't start disrespecting me."  
Bobby shoots me a look. "Maybe you should stop focusing on yourself. You want respect Clay? Go and fucking earn it."  
"Get outta here Bobby, I don't need shit from you."  
Bobby slams his fists down in the table. "Well none of us need shit from you either! You have lost all sense of your priorities!"  
Bobby is starting to piss me off. "The club is thriving, guns are getting us.."  
"Your family Clay. Gemma." He is spitting with anger now.  
I ain't having that, who the fuck does he think he is speaking too? "None of your god damn business"  
"CLAY! I HAVE JUST COME FROM YOUR GOD DAMN HOUSE, WHERE YOUR WIFE IS LYING ON THE BEDROOM FLOOR COVERED IN BLOOD. SHE FUCKING KNOCKED HERSELF OUT! WHERE WERE YOU? SHE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER".  
Bobby slams out of the clubhouse, smashing the doors with all his might.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I better get home.

2 hours later:

Jax's POV:

Piney's right. I have got to get my shit together. I have got to be strong, my mom needs me. All the times she has been there for me, now I need to do the same. Seeing Piney has helped to give me some perspective. I'm going to step down from club duties for a while, I need my mom to get better.

But pulling into the god damn drive still makes me want to hurl. I want to run away from this shit so bad, but I know I can't. I know that I have to be brave.

I walk in through the door and see Wayne slumped on the sofa. "Where's Tara?"  
"She is with your mom. Making sure she don't wake up and rip her drip out again".  
"A'ight...Do you want a beer?"  
"Sure. Cheers Jax."  
I hand him his beer. Just by looking at him I can tell he is fried.  
"You can go home if you want Unser, I'm here now".  
"You're alright son. Can't think of anything that I want to do. Doesn't feel right doing anything".  
"I get that."  
"You okay now? Well, as okay as you can be?"  
"Yeah I'm fine. Just feeling like shit."  
"I know that son."  
I look at Unser's face, Clay must have thumped the shit outta him.  
"You in pain?" I gesture towards his face.  
"Nah."  
"He is out of fucking control that man. Fucking hate how he acts".

"Well that's a shame isn't it? Shame that you hate me!" and with that Clay strolls into the room, acting like he doesn't have a care in the world.

"Don't fucking start Clay. I should be beating your ass for the way you treat my mom."  
He sniggers at me. "Go on then, beat my fucking ass".

Before I can throttle him, Tara comes out of the bedroom. Jeez she looks pissed.

"Clay! I think you should stay away, you are not helping right now".  
Clay walks right up to her, putting his big fat face near hers. "Is that right doc? You telling me to leave my own god damn house? ARE YOU?"

I am about to get up and smack the shit outta him, but then Tara starts screaming.  
"Yes I fucking am! She is never going to recover with you around here! You are going to end up pushing her over the edge."  
"You better watch how you are talking to me doc".  
Tara's eyes are glistening with rage now, "You might be Jax's president, but you sure as hell ain't mine! If you want your wife to recover, then get out and come back when you have your shit together. This ain't about you. This is about Gemma".

I am stunned. I have never seen Tara so angry, and I sure as hell ain't seen anyone talk to Clay like that before. Unser looks just as shocked as I am.

"Fuck you all! I don't need this shit!" And with that Clay storms out of the door.

Tara's POV:

I can't believe Gemma stays with that man. He is the epitomy of selfish. He doesn't give a shit about her, he has no fucking idea what she is going through. I just hope he stays away; he is going to destroy any chance of Gemma recovering at this rate.

Jax comes over and grabs me round the waist. "That's my girl". He kisses my kneck and pulls me in close. I turn my head and kiss him, but then I pull away.

It's time to talk.

"Listen guys we need to talk about tomorrow".

"I can stay with her, I know I did a shit job today, but I can do better" Wayne looks so dejected and hopeless.

"Wayne. Please believe me, you didn't do a shit job. Like I said, you got her talking. None of us could manage that."

"Thanks doc...SHIT, I have gotta go and get my meds. I will be back as soon as I can".

"Okay Wayne, thanks again for today."

He gives us a weary wave and heads out of the door. God do I feel sorry for him, he is not only having to deal with Gemma's deteriorating mental state, but also having to cope with his bad health. Shitty times all round.

I look over at Jax. He is staring into space, deep in his own thoughts.

"Jax?"

"Yeah?"

"I am in an impossible situation. She is so ill, so frail, she really should be in a hospital."

"Please Tara, it will kill her."

"Jax, if she stays home and has more days like today; that might kill her."

Jax grabs my shoulders. "Let me spend the day with her tomorrow. I am her golden boy, it might do her some good". His eyes twinkling at me.

"Jax, it is going to be very difficult with Gemma tomorrow. You MUST get her to eat something. If not she is going back to the hospital, period."

"I know Tara, but I need her to know that I am here for her, always."

I kiss his forehead. "Trust me, she knows".

The next day...

Gemma's POV:

Urggghhh shittttt. My head is throbbing. It feels like a patch-over party is going on in my fucking head. What the fucking hell happened yesterday? When did I end up in bed?

I look down and see hands wrapped up. Shit, I must have been hitting that wall hard. Hard as hell. Why the fuck can't I feel anything anymore? I look up and see that bloody drip hooked back onto me. Shit. I don't want that shit swilling around my body. I am just about to grab the bag when Tara walks in.

"I wouldn't try that if I was you. Unless you want a tube shoved down your nose or throat". She is smiling at me, but in the way that means 'don't fucking mess with me and do what I say'.

"Aah doc, there is no need for that, this is shitty enough".

"That shit is keeping you alive Gemma. The sooner you realise that, the quicker you will get better".

"Hhmmm. Is Wayne okay? What happened with Clay? Where is Jax?"

She never ever thinks about herself. Alway checking on other people. "Gemma. You are so worried about everyone else, whilst you are so ill. Why?"

She cackles at me, "That's life doc. When you are a mom and an ol'lady, you have to prioritise the boys. That's the way it is".

"Gemma, you don't have to sacrifice yourself just because you are an ol'lady. You are the one who needs to be cared about at the minute, not the boys".

"Sacrifice is life doc. The boys, the club, they are what matters. Shitty huh?"

"It doesn't have to be like that. Gemma, do you remember much about yesterday?" She looks uncomfortable now. No eye contact and fidgeting like crazy.

"No doc. Nothing."

"Gemma, you sustained some serious injuries yesterday. You must remember why that happened?".

"Honestly doc, i don't."

She is blatantly lying to me, but it would be counterproductive to confront her right now. She would just flip out, and we need her to stay calm today. We need her to be in the right mindset. "Gemma, Jax is going to stay with you today".

She sits up, "No chance doc, Jax needs to be at the club. He has shit to do!"

"He wants to spend time with you Gemma, I am sure a day will not hurt?"

"He doesn't want to be here with his ol' mom. Seriously doc, I will be fine on my own".

"That's not possible Gemma, you know that. Jax is staying".

"I don't want Jax here missing out on important shit! NO!"

I am just about to reply when Jax comes in to the bedroom. "You'll hurt my feelings mom!"

She stops scowling at me and turns to Jax. "Oh baby, never! But seriously darlin' you go to the clubhouse. You have more important shit to deal with. Clay will lose his mind if you ain't there".

"I think he lost that ages ago mom. And i can't think of anything more important than you"

I watch Gemma smile at him, albeit forcefully. She doesn't know that I can see the tears in her eyes. Women pick up on that kind of thing, men don't. "Gemma, I have got to go now. I will be back at noon to check up on you".

"Thanks sweetheart", she weakly blows me a kiss and pulls a face at Jax. She always manages to put on a show.

But honestly I am worried about leaving Jax with Gemma. He has no idea of how difficult it is going to be to get her to eat. No earthly idea.

I gesture at him to come out of the bedroom, and I shut the door behind him. "Listen Jax. I have left a fruit salad in the fridge. She needs to eat at least half before I get back."

"Okay. Let me see".

I get the fruit out of the fridge and show him. He looks surprised. "What Jax?"

"That's tiny! She will be able to eat that, won't she?"

Shit, he has no idea. "Are you sure you are going to be okay Jax?"

He cheekily winks at me. "Of course, you get to work, you'll be late!"

I grab my keys and give him a kiss. "If you need me just call".

"I will be fine Tara! GO!"

But I have a feeling he will call. Sooner rather than later...

Author's NOTE:

This chapter acts as a bridge for the next chapter. Not only shall we be seeing the heartbreak Jax feels when he learns how truly bad Gemma is, but we shall also see Gemma's manipulative side. How desperate is Gemma to keep her weight down?


	17. Chapter 17

Author's note: this chapter tries to capture how Gemma mentally cannot help herself; and how easily mental illness can lead to manipulation of others.

The mental illness has to win at all costs.

Jax's POV:

Well, I am all on my own now. I gotta step up and take some responsibility. It is time I took care of my mom, instead of her taking care of me.

I head in to her bedroom and to my surprise she is trying to get dressed. "Oh sorry mom! Are you okay doing that?"  
"Jax, I am not an invalid! I am perfectly capable of dressing myself!"  
She is just so stubborn, not only is she shaky on her legs but she is struggling to accomodate the drip. "Mom, just let me help!" I help her pull on her jeans, but she keeps the hospital gown on. She sees me looking confused. "Darlin' I don't think it would be very easy for me to put on a blouse with this god damn wire".  
"Shit of course, sorry".  
"It's okay darlin', you shouldn't even be here, missing out on the club to deal with the burden".  
"Stop that shit right now mom! You ain't no burden, alright?"  
She shakes her head, yanking at her jeans. "Fucking things".  
They are way to big on her, almost like jogging bottoms, but she insists on wearing them. "Why do you need to wear jeans mom?"  
"Because sweetheart, I still got some pride."  
"Mom just because you are ill, it doesn't mean you have lost your pride".  
"Funny, because that is what happens. Look, my own son asking if his ol' mom can dress herself. Pathetic".  
She is so down on herself, I just can't believe it. "Mom, no more of this talk. Come on lets go and sit down".

I help her to the kitchen, and pull out a chair for her. She sits down so slowly, it looks almost painful for her to sit down.  
"Do you want anything to drink mom?"  
" I will have some water please", she sounds so croaky. She is so frail, that even her voice is weak. I pour her some water, but out of the corner of my eye I can see her pulling on her drip.  
"NO mom! You can't do that!"  
She faintly smiles at me, "Don't worry darlin', I wouldn't do that to you! Don't want that on your watch sweetheart".  
I sit down across from her. I can see the bones in her fingers are straining, trying to hold the glass.  
"My god mom! Look at how weak you are, you can't even hold a glass. Why are you doing this to yourself mom? Why?"  
She looks away, too ashamed to meet ny eyes. "Darlin' I am fine. Been workin' myself too hard that's all! Don't worry your pretty little head".  
" Mom, I would be blind to believe that you are fine. I am worried mom, I god damn love you!"  
She strokes my hand. "I know you do son. Please, don't make this any harder than it is already".  
"Too late mom. You do know you have to eat something? Right?"  
She looks down at the floor, "You know I can't do that. Look, I will go back to bed and you go to the clubhouse; there are much better things to do that sit around here all day".  
"No mom. I ain't leavin you, I care about you more than anything in this god damn world. Well, except for Abel. He needs a grandma, I need a mom".  
She is welling up now, "You know I love all of you, don't you?"  
I get up and grab the fruit salad out of the fridge. I yank a spoon out of the draw; and place it in front of her. "Prove it mom. If you eat this it will mean everything to me."  
She shoves the bowl away from her. "Please Jax, no".  
"Mom, its fruit. The smallest amount of god damn fruit I have ever seen!"  
"It is not about the size Jax, it is about.."  
"Go on, what?"  
"It is the food itself. Shit, you wouldn't understand darlin'. Your momma is going crazy".  
"Explain to me mom, let me help you! I am going out of my god damn mind with worry". I get up because I can feel my emotions getting the better of me. This is so fucking hard!  
"Darlin' it is difficult to explain. I...I am just not hungry."  
I turn back round, "How mom? When was the last time you ate a proper meal?"  
"A while ago".  
"How long mom?"  
"Jesus Jax! I don't know".

"I think you do. I think you know very well when you stopped eating. It was about 5 weeks ago, when those nazi bastards chained you to a link and made you feel like nothing. Wasn't it?". The tears stream down her face, her face is grimacing in pain. Remembering the shit she was put through.

She shakes away her tears, "I am fine Jax, please just leave it! I don't want to hear you talking about it, it is shameful!"

"What the fuck mom? Those scum beat you, raped you and you feel ashamed? They are shameful not you!" I am shaking with rage. Pure rage. Why the hell should my mom feel this, they didn't give a shit 'bout her!

I reach over the table and hug her. I can feel all her bones pushing outta her skin. I can feel her tiny body shaking with fear and sadness. In this moment I can feel a fraction of her pain; and that is too much!

She pulls away, aware that she just let her façade go. "Thank you darlin' for putting up with your silly ol' mom. Listen you go, I will be okay."  
"I ain't going anywhere mom. I am going to level with you, if you go another day without eating you will be back in the hospital. Do you want that?"  
She looks taken aback; shaking her head vehemently. "I ain't going back. No".  
"Then you better get eating mom. Period." I grab the bowl and push it towards her. "Seriously mom, it is 5 grapes and a chopped up orange. That's all".

"I don't want to get fat Jax. Please, can we just leave it!" She attempts to stand up; but I push her back down gently.  
"Mom, listen to me very carefully. You are NOT FAT! You are skeletal; and it scares the shit outta me! You are going to eat some fruit now before you get carted off to the psych ward! You now if you go to hospital now and they will section you, period."  
Her hands shake as she reaches into the bowl. She pulls out a single grape and holds it to her lips. "I can't Jax".  
"You can mom! I am here with you every step of the way. You can do this!"  
She places the grape in her mouth.

The discomfort is real.

She looks like she is going to throw up everywhere. Just by looking at her face you can tell she just wants to spit it out and run away.

I am watching a grown woman shake with fear at eating a grape. A single grape.

She swallows and winces. Her face is contorted with pain. She reaches out and defiantly shoves three more grapes into her mouth. She is crying her eyes out, the food straining against her cheekbones.

This is fucking hideous. She is clenching her bony fingers into fists.

"Mom, stop!"  
She swallows painfully, wiping the tears away from her face. "I thought you wanted this?"  
"Yeah sure! I have always wanted to see my mom in this fucking state! FUCKKK!" I am tearing my hair out.

I just want this to fucking stop!

Gemma's POV:

I hate myself. Swallowing those grapes was the hardest god damn shit I have ever had to do; and Jax just doesn't get it!

No one does.

I wipe my eyes and stare at my beautiful boy. He is tearing his hair out; all because of his stupid ol' mom!

I feel awful.

I so want to throw up. I need to get that shit outta me, I am so pathetic I can't even starve right. I look over towards the bathroom, I look back and meet Jax's eyes. "What?"  
"You must think I am stupid mom. You seriously think I am going to let you go and puke? Seriously?"  
I look at him. His long blonde hair, greased back by his fingers. His blue eyes staring intently at me. He is so beautiful, it is hard to believe that I raised such perfection. He is the perfect son. But even he can't grasp what it feels like to be in my head right now. God I wish he could. "Im sorry Jax. I am really sorry".  
He sits back down and looks directly at me. "Mom...I don't know what to do! None of us do, I so want to help you but I can't. I want to help you so bad it hurts!" He slams his fists down on the table, the tears spilling out from his glistening blue eyes.

It kills me. "Please don't darlin'. You are my world Jax; you help me just by breathing." I grab his hands and squeeze em'.  
His face crumples. "But mom, you...you might die. You wanted to die? How can I possibly be helping you?"

"Sweetheart, listen to me. I did want to die that day; many days, but I am still here. I ain't going to die Jax". It is almost comical to hear what I am saying. As I look at his face doused in tears, I have never wanted to kill myself so much. The pain I am causing him, it is so debilatating.

But I can't stop.

"Mom if you don't start eating soon, dying may not be a choice. I don't want to lose my own mom".  
"You aren't going to lose me Jax, I wouldn't hurt you. I will look after you to the ends of the earth, you know that!"  
"I do. But you are willing to hurt yourself, and that is the worst thing."

It is hard to respond, I mean how can you tell your son that you don't even recognise yourself as a person anymore. How can I tell him that if I was hit by a bus today, It wouldn't be tragic.

It would be a relief.

I need to regain my composure, my dignity is decreasing day by day. "Now Jax. I want you to listen carefully. You go to the clubhouse and fulfil your duties. Send one of the other guys, like Tig. I could do with seeing Tig; try and bridge the gap between me and Clay.  
"Mom I don't want to leave you, I am not bothered about the club and you shouldn't be bothered about that shithead! He..."  
"Jax. Please. I have eaten something, which is what Tara asked of you. Go and get on with your day; I will be fine with tiggy. Please, it will cheer your ol' mom up!"  
"I ain't happy about this mom, you are so fragile..."  
"Shit to that! I will go and get some rest, and you get hold of tiggy. I promise you I will not do anything stupid. Shit, it would be pointless to puke now anyway!"  
He shakes his head at me. "Not funny at all mom".  
"I know."

Jax's POV:

I help to settle mom in bed. I checked with Tara and she said as long as I make sure someone gets to her soon; I can go.

I ain't happy, but I just want to do what mom wants. Make her happy, if that is even possible anymore.

I check with Tig on my cell; he is always happy to have an excuse to see Gemma.

He is another one of the many men to love her is this town. Unser, Tiggy and even Hale all love my mom.

I wish she could see that.  
I wish Clay would show her love.  
I wish all of this was not happening.

Gemma's POV:

I check to hear the door close, and the sound of his bike pulling off. As soon as I hear that Jax is gone, I reach over into the bedside draw and pull out my cell.

"Yeah? I am just heading over Gem. You good?"  
"Tiggy, it is so nice to hear from you! I was wondering if you could run an errand for me?"  
"I don't know Gem, I am meant to come straight away."  
"Please tiggy, you know I rely on you!"  
"Shit, yeah. What do you need?"  
"Can you go to the chemist and pick up a few things for me?"  
"..what? What are you up to?"  
"Nothing I swear. I need you to buy Apex- tx5, Xenical and I also need you to get hold of some furosemide."  
"What are those medicines for gem?"  
"The furosemide is for my heart, the others to aid digestion. Don't worry tiggy, everything is above board."  
"Where do you expect me to get hold of that furosemide? I am prettt sure they don't sell that over the counter".  
"Try that ol' lady Piney knows."  
"I don't know about this Gem."  
"Tiggy; the only reason I am not asking the others is because they will only worry about my arithmia. I need them tiggy, pleaseee".  
"I'll see what I can do Gem".  
"Thank you sweetheart, I will see you later".

I hang up and shiver. My heart is beating out of my chest.


	18. Chapter 18

Gemma's POV:

Shit, where is he? If he don't get back soon I will be caught. I need those fucking pills; I need to get some fucking control back. Goodness knows how much weight this drip has pumped into me; I can feel the fat swilling around my body. The thought of that fat gushing around my arteries, causing my body to swell up makes me want to vomit.

I know what I am doing is wrong. I know it is killing all of them. But if I don't get hold of those fucking pills soon, it is going to kill me.

I hear the familiar rev of a bike outside. Please let it be tig!

I stagger out of bed and lurch out of the bedroom. I hear the keys turn in the lock and tig comes in.

"Shit Gemma, you..."

Tig's POV:

What the fuck has she done to herself? She looks horrendous. I stare at her.

"Yeah I know I don't look great! Please tell me you have them!"

"Yeah I do. Are you sure you should be taking this medication? Does Tara know?"

"Everything is fine tiggy, will you just get me a glass of water?" I grab a glass and head to the sink. Shit. I think I might have made a big mistake. Before I turn around she is routing around in the paper bag.

I place the glass on the table.

Before I can speak; she hurls a handful of pills down her throat and downs the water.  
"What would I do without you tiggy?" She looks so relieved; all the initial worry has subsided from her face.

"I don't know Gem. I don't know. You alright?"

"If I hear that question one more time I think I might lose my shit." She laughs, affectionately punching me on the arm.  
If I hadn't been looking; I wouldn't have felt it.

She reaches into the bag again and pulls out another handful of pills. "What you doing Gem? That is way too fucking much!" I try to reach for her hand, but I am too slow.

"It is fine tiggy; just let me be!"  
"Gem, you have just taken a shit load of pills, oh fuck!"  
"Seriously tiggy I am fine! All that will happen is I will get a little drowsy; and that isn't such a bad thing is it?"  
I reach for my cell. "I am going to call Tara; you shouldn't have taken that many!"  
"NO! Look at me, I am perfectly fine! I am fine Tiggy!"  
"What the fuck are those pills anyway? Xenical? What the fuck is that?"  
She looks at me. Her worried face has resurfaced. "You promise not to freak out?"  
"WHAT?"  
"They are diet pills tiggy. They..."  
"FUCKING HELL GEMMA! You blatantly lied to me! Diet pills? You need to take a fucking look in the mirror! Oh shit; oh shit!"  
"Tiggy, please. Calm down, everything is fine!" She places her hands on my shoulders but I shake her off.  
"No Gem. This ain't cool, I am going to call Tara, shit knows what damage you have done! You are going to end up killing yourself! Is that what you want?" Fuck! Jax, Tara and the whole god damn club are going to massacre me! Why the hell am I so gullible?  
"Please don't! Look, no damage has been done! Please, I am begging you! She will put me in hospital and it will fucking kill me! Kill me tig!

I grab my cell and call Jax. Shit, I better prepare myself for the hell I am going to get.

Jax's POV:

I am sat with Bobby, trying to make small talk about the mexicans; but I can't focus. I can't think straight.

I hear my cell vibrate. Shit. It is tig! "What?"  
"You better get back here now and get Tara!"  
I jump out of my seat. "What has happened?"  
"Shit I am so sorry Jax. So sorry".  
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?"  
" I ... she called asking me to get her some pills. She took a shit load of pills."  
"PILLS? WHAT PILLS?"  
"Diet Pills. A whole lot of 'em".  
"FUCKING HELL TIG! ONE FUCKING JOB YOU HAD!"  
" I know. Sorry".  
I hang up on him and dash out of the clubhouse. I call the hospital and ask for Tara. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!

Gemma's POV:

I can feel the effect of the pills kicking in. I feel so drowsy; I can barely keep my eyes open.  
I look at Tig and his eyes are fixed on mine. I have never seen him look so disappointed in his entire life.

"I am sorry tiggy".

"Not as sorry as I am gem. No way".  
" I shouldn't have used you, but god tig I needed some pills. Just to take the edge off".  
He looks aghast, "Gem, that is not the way to deal with situations! Downing a load of pills ain't going to solve what is going on inside your head."  
"What is that exactly tiggy? Enlighten me!"  
"Gemma, you are as skinny as a corpse. You look like you could snap at any minute; and yet you send me out to get diet pills! Can't you seriously see how fucked up that is? How fucked up you are?"  
"I know. I know".  
He leans forward; his eyes fixed on mine. "If you know; why don't you stop?"

I can feel my eyelids drooping. "Because I don't want to. I want to be everything I am not."

Tig's POV:

She shuts her eyes. I immediately jump up and shake her. Her body feels lifeless but she is still breathing.

The pills have knocked her out.

I lay her back down gently. I then stroke her hair, and her face.

It fucking kills me to see her like this. I feel like I am loosing a part of me.

Clay doesn't know how lucky he is, having the love of such an amazing woman. Clay doesn't give a shit about her; whereas I would die for her.

But the way things are going; it looks like she might die first.

I hear a slamming outside and Jax bursts through the door. Tara is following him; her medical bag in tow.

Jax grabs hold of me and pushes me against the wall. "You fucking idiot Tig! Are you retarded? Does she look like she needs fucking diet pills?"

Tara pushes him away from me. "Not now! I need you to tell me exactly how many pills she took, and what pills they were. Hurry!"

"She took about 12 pills; mostly Xenical but she also took some Apex thing".

Tara dashes over to Gemma. "Tig; go and get the pill boxes so I can see the potential side effects. Jax, come and help me take her to the bathroom".

I dash to the kitchen and grab the boxes.

I watch Jax carry Gemma to the bathroom. Jax cradles his mom in his arms; just like she did for him.

Jax's POV:

If it wasn't for Tara calming me down I would have beaten the shit outta Tig. What a fucking idiot! Like my mom isn't in a bad enough state.

Mom is dipping in and out of consciousness. She can barely open her eyes.

Tara leans her over the toilet and sticks her fingers down Gemma's throat.

"What are you doing?"  
"Jax, we don't have time to mess about. I am getting these pills out her system. Look at her Jax; does her body look like it can take an overdose of diet pills?"

I have to turn my head when I hear mom retching. The sound makes my skin crawl.

Something has got to give and it is not going to be my mom's life.

20 mimutes later...

Tara has put my mom to bed, and I am stood in the living room trying to not kick the shit outta tig.

"I had no idea she wanted diet pills. I.. I don't know what I thought. I'm so sorry Jax. So sorry". He looks genuinely upset, i mean we all know he has a thing for my mom. Well, all of us but Clay. If he knew, there would be trouble.

"You're fucking stupid tig. If you had a brain you would be dangerous."

Tara comes out of the bedroom, closing the door gently behind her. "Jax, that ain't gonna help. She is getting more manipulative by the minute".

I turn on her. "Do you think it is the right fucking time to be insulting her? Seriously Tara?"

"Gemma isn't being manipulative Jax. The disease is being manipulative. Anyway, whatever is going on, she is going back to that hospital".

Tig and I both look up at her. "You know she will fucking top herself Tara. She won't stay in a hospital!"

"She ain't got no choice Jax! I have had it with this guilt- tripping! I am a doctor, I know better than all of you what Gemma needs! I am already ashamed that I have let it get to this point."

Fuck. She always thinks she knows best. "You could have a million medical degrees and you will still not understand what my mom needs!"

"Oh okay. Enlighten me Jax. What should we do here? Should we just give up and let her die?"

" I have an idea. But I need support."

"I can't leave her any longer Jax! We can't keep trying all these different ways of getting her to eat!"

I turn to tig. "Has she messed about with the drip today?"

He shakes his head. "No, all she did was take the pills and crash on the couch."

I turn back to Tara. "See. She has kept the drip in, surely that is giving her enough nutrients for me to try something?"

She looks pissed. Very pissed. "Sureeee. She could live for the rest of her life just on that drip. Don't be fucking ignorant. There is a reason I need her to eat, that drip isn't enough."

"Alright, alright. Can I at least explain my idea, if that is okay?"

"Fine."

"I am going to stop eating."

Tara and Tig both look at me, confusion etched on their faces.

" I will only eat when my mom does. If she thinks of me starving myself, she will start eating again. Trust me".

"Not a chance Jax! Do you think I want two anorexic patients?"

Tig jumps out of the chair. "That's a fucking stupid idea mate, you can't do gun runs and club duties on empty!"

"You guys need to trust me. This plan will work! I will be perfectly fine, she will crack. She will eat".

"Do we have any say, or are you determined to do this?" Tara is practically growling at me.

"No. I am not changing my mind". 


	19. Chapter 19

2 days later:

Jax's POV:

Urgggh I feel like shit. I thought my mom would give in and eat because of me, but I look in her eyes and just see that she can't. She wants to, but she just can't let herself do it. She is in so much pain it is unreal. I just wish this whole fucking nightmare would end.

I have done 2 days of only eating one meal a day, and it is killing me. God knows how she goes day in, day out not eating. I wanted to stop eating altogether; try to understand what my mom is feeling, but Tara wouldn't let me. She made it clear that I was to eat something when I wasn't with my mom. I suppose it is a deal I had to make, as Tara wants to make my mom an inpatient.

No one gets my mom like I do. No one understands how being in a hospital will kill her. Tara keeps saying how this disease "will kill her first", but I just know that putting my mom in hospital ain't right.

The hereditary heart condition means that hospitals are an evil place in this family. To my mom, all hospitals have ever been is a curse. They have stolen family, they signify an awful time of her life and now they mean a loss of freedom. If they hospitalise her, she will lose all control over her life. Just like the loss she has suffered through the deaths of loved ones.

Tara thinks I am being an idiot. Being stubborn. But really I am just thinking about my mom. I know her best.

I feel shitty. Not just because of the lack of food; but because my mom believes that I haven't been eating anything at all. I can see the torture in her contorted face, as she desparately tries to eat. I feel like a fraud, but I know this is the way to get her to eat. Even if it takes longer than I thought.

I pull into the drive and see Unser frantically pulling his hair out, well, what remains of it.

"What's wrong Unser?"

"Your mom has gone."

"What do you mean she has gone? I thought you were looking after her?"

"No? I just got here."

"Tara sent you a text, asked you to come over? Jesus Unser, you were a cop! Surely you are used to checking your messages!" I am ripping my own hair out now, where the fuck could she have gone.

"Will you just shut the fuck up Jax! She left.. she left a note".

"Well? What does it say?" I dash into the house and pick up a piece of paper off the counter.

My darling Jax,

I am so sorry. So sorry for what I have done to you, done to wayne, tara and the whole god damn club. I wanted to eat so bad for you but I couldn't. What kind of mom does that make me? I want you to know that it is nothing you or anyone in this family has done to make me so unhappy. That rape fucked me over. I want all the pain to stop, to go away. I want this family to be free. Tell Abel that his grandma loved him. Tell Clay that I forgive him. Tell Tara that despite all the arguments I still love her.

And you my darling, you have always lit up my life in ways you never knew possible. You mean everything to me, remember the good times. The happier times. This is why I have got to go, so your lasting memories of me are not of weakness. Remember me as your strong ol' mom.

Love you always my sweetheart

Mom.

"FUUCCCCKKKKK!" I scream so loud that i can feel my own ears bleeding. I clutch the note to my chest.

Unser grabs me as I collapse to the ground. "Not now son! We have got to find her! I have called Tara, the club. We are all looking for her Jax."

"It..will be...too late" I am gasping in between the tears. This is all my fault! If i had let Tara hospitalise her a few days ago, none of this would have happened.

"Don't think like that son! Do you have any idea where she might have gone?"

I am thinking so hard, but the panic is making my thoughts hazy. Where would she go? Charming is a small place, not too much acreage to cover. Maybe she went back to her moms ol' place? But how would she get there, in the state she is in? Her drip has been ripped out and thrown down in the doorway of her bedroom. Without that she can't have gone far. Suddenly it dawns on me.

"She's gone back to the place where her life went downhill. The place where all those memories of pain came flooding back. The place where she felt her lowest."

"Where son?" Unser is getting irate, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"The lock up. The place she was raped. She is going to end her life in the place where, in her head, her life already ended".

Simultaneously me and Unser dash out the house. I mount my bike, and Unser starts the ignition in his truck. We have got to get there on time.

Gemma's POV:

I despise myself. More than ever. Watching Jax over the last few days starving himself has put things into perspective. Why should I destroy everyone elses life? I am not worth it. I am not important.

The voice in my head was relentless last night, and this morning. "Die bitch die! Do all of them a favour and go! You are not worth a life. You pathetic whore!"

It was getting too much. That's why I ripped my drip out and left. No one was around to stop me anyway, that fact made the voice sound gleeful, like the fact no one was there showed that I was worthless.

I grabbed an old gun that Clay always leaves lying around and all my heart medication. I will choose whichever one seems more appealing.

As I stagger out of the house I know where my body is taking me. I feel like my brain has no control over my over my body, it is like I am outside of my own body.

When I eventually see the lock up, my heart starts pounding. I can hear its rapid beating in my ears. Here is where it happened. Where I made that god forsaken decision to leave Bobby's party. Where I stayed helpless whilst Weston and Zobel assaulted me. They used me until I was numb. All feeling just drained from my body.

As I slip through the ajar door I see the chain link. The chill that creeps up my spine is debilitating. Freezing me to the spot.

I slowly edge towards the exact spot I was left for dead. The exact spot where I felt humiliation like I have never felt before. Where wayne had to come and help my battered, bruised and dirty body off the floor. A floor splattered with blood.

I slump down in that spot. And with every memory that comes to mind I take another handful of pills. Pills, pills and more pills.

And then the room slowly turns to blackness.

Jax's POV:

I am hurtling down the roads like I have never sped before. Everything passes like a blur, my only thought is about getting to my mom before it is too late.

When I see that lock up come into focus, I feel a sense of pure fear in my stomach. Terror like I have never felt before, the fear of walking in there to see my mother dead.

My mom.

Tara' s car pulls up at the same time I do. She has brought an ambulance with her, who pull up behind her.

Me and Tara rush in before the paramedics.

I wish we hadn't. For what I am seeing will never leave me for as long as I live.

My mom is convulsing on the floor, foam poaring out of her mouth. Her limp, fragile body is moving rapidly from side to side; and her eyes roll around in her head.

Tara rushes over with the paramedics in tow.

I throw up on the floor.


	20. Chapter 20

○ I just want to say a massive thank you to all the followers of this story, and to all the lovely reviews I have received.

Jax's POV:

It has been over two months since my mom's suicide attempt.

Long, painful and tiring months.

Mom died in the ambulance. They had to revive her. The chest compressions, the defibrillator. It was the most terrifying time in my entire life.

When they said that she had a pulse, I cried my eyes out. The relief that she wasn't dead was overwhelming.

She has spent two months in hospital. There has been lots of tears shed on both sides. Mom has been very stubborn, she kept on ripping the drip out, so they have hooked it through her nose and down her throat. Tara says that she is slowly approaching a stable weight. I can't see it myself, she still looks tiny; like her whole body has collapsed in on itself.

The first month she was heavily sedated, voluntarily and involuntarily. If she was sedated then the nurses could make sure she was getting nutrients, and if she was asleep then she didn't have to think about everything.

But now Tara has told the nurses that they must refrain from giving her sedation. Tara says that Gemma is using it as a coping mechanism, and that it could become addictive.

Because of this the second month has been awful. Without sedation, my mom is stuck in her hospital bed trying to escape her thoughts. All she does is lie in bed and stare into space.

I have never cried so much in my life as I have in the last two moths. The day she woke up, man that was emotional. She was crying because she knew that she had destroyed us all.

Or she was crying because her suicide attempt failed.

I guess we will never know.

Tara has arranged for mom to see a therapist in a few days. This time there is no negotiating. If mom wants to come home, she needs to do this. My mom is going to hate the idea. She will see it as a sign of weakness; when in reality it will be the most courageous thing she has ever done.

I walk into mom's hospital room. I am glad that she is asleep. She has really been struggling to sleep without the sedation. Tara told me that the nurses have been walking by the room as early as two in the morning; and there is my mom wide awake. Staring at the walls, unresponsive. Scary shit.

Tara wanted me here today, as support. She knows that mom will freak about having to go to therapy. But we tried to get her to talk to us, and she couldn't. We have no other choice.

Mom just starts opening her eyes as Tara comes in. She gives a faint smile to us both.

Tara sits down beside my mom. "Gemma, we need to talk".

"Yeah?". My mom's voice is so croaky; and her voice sounds so small.

"You have been in here for two months now Gemma. I know how badly you want to go home, but we can't afford to have you relapsing. So I have enrolled you to have some therapy sessions to aid your recovery. Do you understand me so far?"

"Yeah". This is so unlike my mom. Not one single outburst or sarcastic comment? She feels defeated.

"So you must attend a therapy session tomorrow. It is here in the hospital. If you go, and keep some food down over the next few days there is a chance you will get to go home. But you need to do as we say.'

"Sure. Great. Thanks". I can see the tears brimming in her eyes.

I intervene, "Tara, can you give me and mom a few minutes alone?"

She nods and backs out of the room, gently shutting the door. I turn to my mom and stare straight into her eyes.

"Mom, whats wrong? Ain't you happy that you can come home soon?"

"Yeah I am happy darlin'"

"Mom. Don't bullshit me, I know you ain't okay. I don't want to leave you if you ain't alright."

"Go Jaxson. I will be happy if you are doing other shit instead of seeing me. Go have a life".

"Mom..I.."

She interrupts me, "Go on, I will be okay. Gotta get myself ready for therapy; to stop being a burden".

"You having therapy does not mean you are a burden mom".

"Thanks sweetheart. Look, you go now. Do something useful, your ol' mom is fine".

"But mom.."

"No buts Jax. Go. Please".

She gives me a weak smile and turns on her side.

But as I peer through the blinds, I can see her chest heaving. I knew she wanted to cry.

I just knew it.

Gemma's POV:

Two whole months I have spent in this hell. It is rather ironic, I felt less depressed when I tried to kill myself than I do right now.

It is because in here I can't escape. I can't drown out my thoughts.

It was so hard waking up after the overdose. Seeing Jax, Wayne and even Clay. Their faces were a mixture of pity and anger.  
I feel so bad for what I have put them through. For me, I really don't care about living. I mean, all I feel is pain, guilt and anger every day. But to them, it really hurt. Jax trying to work out why his mom would try and top herself.

In some ways it is worse it failed. Because now I have to see the pain I have caused. It is a terrible choice, suicide. Shall I end my pain, but give it to others?Or shall I carry on in agony to save my family's feelings?

What a fucking choice to make.

Now I have to deal with therapy. Fucking hell! I am going to have some judgemental asshole trying to 'save me'. Some person thinking that I am pathetic and weak; when all my god damn life I have tried to be strong.

But I have gotta do it, I have to get out of this place.

Even though I know I am probably going to feel worse back at home.

The next day:

Tara's POV:

Today is the day that I have got to take Gemma to a therapy session. Gemma fucking Teller going to therapy. Shit, being her escort may be a challenge.

As I walk into St Thomas, Margaret dashes over to me. "Miss Knowles, do you have a minute?"  
"Yes of course?" Jesus what does she want now? For someone who didn't even attend medical school she seems to know it all!  
She pulls me into a deserted side corridor. "Your friend had a terrible night again by all accounts."  
"She does have a name Margaret!"  
"Yes, yes. Miss Teller."  
"Was she awake again all night?"  
"Yes but this time she was crying, screaming. Trying to yank her hair out etc. She was having quite an episode".  
"What did you do?"  
"The nurses sedated her".  
"Shit! I have left clear instructions to avoid sedation. She will become dependent on it!"  
"No choice Miss Knowles. She woke up the entire hospital."  
"What was she saying?"  
"Mainly incoherent ranting. Many references to how much she hated herself and how she wanted to leave. Or words to that effect".  
"I can imagine. It is probably the thought of going to therapy today that is upsetting her. Unsettled her".  
"Well I just thought I would let you know".  
And with that Margaret strolls off, her heels clacking on the marble floor. Off on her way to spend another day pretending that she is important.

I head out towards Gemma's ward. It has been unusual being on the mental health ward, seeing a completely different kind of medical life. A different world from the operating theatre.

Gemma's POV:

Fucking hell I am tired. So god damn tired, but can I sleep? No. Every time I try to rest the darkness comes in. Everything I despise about myself and my life enters, messing with my head.

I am so fucking embarassed about losing it in the night. I just couldn't cope with the thoughts going around in my head. I kept seeing Weston's face. Glowering at me. Laughing at me.

I see Tara looking through the window. I gesture for her to come in, trying to show that I am eager for this therapy shit.

"Hi Gemma. Are you okay?"  
"Yeah, I am fine darlin'."  
"Did you sleep well?"  
"Mmmm"  
"Right, shall we get you ready to go to therapy?"

Shit. The time is here. I don't want Tara to see me getting dressed into my day gown. "Doc, can I dress on my own?"

She looks at me. "Gemma, you have been refusing to get changed for a while; you might be wobbly."  
"Please Doc".  
"Why? I have dressed you before Gemma".

Oh my god she just doesn't get it! I am so fucking embarrassed about how I look. It has been two months and I have ballooned. I look dreadful. I feel dreadful.

"No reason".

As she helps me get dressed, i try to avoid meeting her eye. I can feel her scanning my bloated body.

I feel like screaming.

Tara's POV:

As I escort Gemma to therapy, I try my best to hold it together. I feel like crying. She was so traumatised at letting me help to get her dressed.

And I know why.

She thinks that she is fat. She thinks that she has put on lots of weight after being in here. In her delusional state she thinks that I am judging her.

She is so detatched from reality it is terrifying.

"Gemma, you will be seeing Dr Lich. She is very lovely". I can see that my attempts to reassure Gemma are futile. She is numb to everything.

We arrive just as Dr Lich opens her door. As I usher Gemma in, I look into her eyes.

All I see is fear.

Gemma's POV:

Here we go. The time has finally arrived for this Lich woman to tell me that I am a hopeless case.

I never dreamt in a million years that I would end up being so pathetic. 


	21. Chapter 21

So sorry for the late update. University exams and chickenpox! (Who gets that at 18?) Anyway thank you for the support xx

? "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device"

Lich's POV:

As soon as I look at Gemma I know she is going to be a tough patient; opening up will not come easily to her.

This hospital knows Gemma Teller very well. Her and the bikers exert such control over the whole town. I remember the rumours spread around the hospital about Gemma's forcefulness when her grandson was in here. She was extremely domineering and challenging towards the nurses; questioning their skills.

But these rumours do not resonate with the sight before my eyes. Forceful is definitely not the adjective I would use to describe Gemma. Passive seems more appropriate.

I gesture for her to take a seat, she adheres but refuses to meet my eye. "Hello Gemma. As you know I am Dr Lich and I am here to help you. I prefer to be thought of as a confidant rather than a shrink. Is that okay?"

She shrugs her shoulders, eyes firmly locked on the floor.  
"Gemma, these sessions are purely for you to express how you are feeling; so lets start with that. How are you feeling?"

She sighs, still refusing to lift her gaze. "Fine doc. Fine".

I scan through the notes put before me. Self-harm, anorexia and a suicide attempt. Quite heavy stuff.

"I want to make something crystal clear Gemma. In order for you to get back home, to get your life back, you need to engage with me. You need to talk to me, try and explain what you are going through.

She looks up at me and nods, but she is wringing her hands.

"So Gemma. Lets talk about 2 months ago."

She shakes her head. "What Gemma, why won't you speak to me? Do you think that it is a sign of weakness?"

"Of course it is. Fucking pathetic."

"Why? Why is it pathetic?"

"Because I should be able to deal with my own shit! Not be such a god damn coward!"

"You being here right now, trying to talk to me isn't a sign of weakness. It is courageous; you are trying to battle against what is destroying you. Remember that Gemma".

She scoffs at me, but her eyes tell a different story. She wants to open up, but she has built a wall around herself, to protect herself.

"So. Back to two months ago. It says here that you took an overdose. Is that correct?"

"You know it is doc". She sounds completely defeated, like she has no belief in what she is saying.

"What was going through your head, just before you took those pills".

She laughs, "I thought that would be obvious doc. I was done".

"Done with life?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

She stares out of the window, "I don't know doc! It is hard to explain".

"Please try Gemma."

She puts her head in her hands. "I was sick of everything. Sick of upsetting my family, being fat and just.. hating myself in general. I wanted a way out".

"Are you disappointed that it didn't work Gemma? Do you wish you had succeeded?"

She exaggeratedly shakes her head, "Of course not. I am a lot better now".

"Gemma, how long do you think I have been doing this job?"

"No idea doc".

"15 years Gemma. So, for clarity, I can spot bullshit from a mile away. You think that if you tell the truth you will not be able to go home don't you? Opposite. You be honest with me and you will be home sooner. Do you understand?"

She weakly grins at me. "You are good doc".

"So Gemma I will ask again. Do you wish you had succeeded?"

She breathes deeply; and returns her gaze back to the window. "Yes. I wish it had worked."

"Tell me Gemma, what would it have achieved?"

"I don't know doc. My family would be better off; I would be better off".

"Elaborate please Gemma".

"My family wouldn't be worrying about me, and... I wouldn't have to deal with the shitshow that is my life. Are you happy now doc? Now that you know I am a nutcase?"

"You are not a nutcase Gemma. You are deeply unhappy. Nothing nutty about that, okay?"

"Sureee".

I reach into my draw and pull out a knife and lay it on the table. I look at Gemma, her eyes are wide, shocked. "Gemma, here is a knife".

"I can see that doc, not the conventional shrink are you?"

"No. Now Gemma, picture me leaving the room. You are in here by yourself for 10 minutes. Just you and the knife. Would you use it?"

She once again looks away from me. "I...I don't know".

"I think you do know Gemma. So I will ask again; what would you do?"

Gemma is fidgeting around in her chair; her behaviour clearly telling me what would happen if I left.  
"Gemma, I would contend that you would slice your skin open. Wrists, throat whatever. That is irrelevant. What is relevant is that you would hurt yourself. You would hurt yourself, wouldn't you Gemma?"

"PROBABLY! I don't fucking know doc!"

"Okay Gemma, relax. I am nearly finished now. Just one last question."

"Yeah?"

"Why did you choose to attempt suicide in an abandoned lock up?"

She gingerly gets to her feet. "Because i knew it was quiet. That's all".

"Had you been there before?"

"Hmm. You can say that doc".

"Okay Gemma, that is it for today. Same time tomorrow?"

She smirks at me, "I guess so doc, ain't like I'm going anywhere".

As I watch Tara escort Gemma down the corridor, I think about the session. Gemma is very reluctant to talk about the rape, she probably thinks that I don't know about it. Tara told me that she didn't formally check her in. I was initially indignant about her misconduct; but once I grasped the context I could understand.  
But I know that the likes of Margaret would be less forgiving.

I place the knife back in my drawer. Gemma is a clear suicide risk; a disaster waiting to happen.

Even though she is desperate to go home; I think she knows how unsafe it would be. The temptation to hurt herself is far too strong.

Tara disturbs my thoughts, gingerly asking to come in.  
"Hello, I was just wondering how the session went?"  
Hmm. I thought she would try to find out information. "Miss Knowles, you know that I cannot disclose the nature of the conversation due to patient confidentiality."  
She looks shocked, "Oh no no, I know that. I just..."  
"Want to know if she will be coming home soon?" I ease my tone, I can tell that Tara is just a caring friend desparately trying to maintain her professionalism.  
"Yes, exactly".  
"Well. If she becomes more forthcomimg with her feelings and engages with the help being provided, then I don't see any reason why not. But.."  
"Hmm. There always seems to be a 'but' in this job".  
"Quite. At the minute, Tara, I would have reservations about Gemma leaving."  
"Reservations?"  
"Well...all I can say is that, at this time, Gemma's mental stability is dubious. Her safety could be in jepoardy outside of these settings. That is all I can disclose to you Tara, and that is being generous".  
"Of course, thank you".

Tara's POV:

Shit. Lich couldn't have been any clearer. Gemma would be likely to attempt suicide again if she was discharged. I knew it really; but is still difficult to deal with. The thought of her succeeding, it doesn't even bear thinking about. It would destroy Jax.

Seeing Gemma overdosing. Shit, it nearly killed him. That evening was horrible, we couldn't even stay with her in intensive care. All we could do was sit at home and wait. We all gathered at Gemma's house; all the club and even Clay. We all were in complete shock, and we all felt useless. I was desperate to stay at the hospital, hearing information but I was told to leave. That annoying bitch Margaret said I was too emotionally charged to be there.

The only good thing that came from that night was that Jax and Clay called a truce. Clay was truly devastated; and Jax was inconsolable. For the first time in ages they understood eachother; and needed one another. I was so relieved. If Gemma is going to come back home she needs a stable environment. Last time we didn't provide that.

I am just about to walk past Gemma's room when I see her arguing with a fellow nurse.  
The dreaded dinner tray.  
Along with her therapy, Gemma now needs to eat three full meals a day instead of relying on her drip. It looks as if today she is not willing to cooperate.

I walk into the room and she stops yelling.

"Gemma? What is going on?"  
I look down at the plate and see that she has only eaten a quarter of her salad. Her pudding is completely untouched.

I dismiss the nurse, poor girl. She is new, and gets given experience on the mental health ward. That's one hell of an experience.  
"Gemma, you need to eat more than that if you want to go home".

"Darlin' I have honestly had enough. I just want to rest".  
"That may be the case, but you need to eat more."  
"I have been eating plenty Tara. Can't you tell?" She pulls at her non-existent stomach, wincing in disgust.  
"I am going to chose to ignore that last comment. Come on, finish the salad at least."  
"Sweetheart, I have eaten enough for today."  
"Gemma do I need to remind that you are no longer attached to your drip? This means that the only nutrients you are getting is from what you eat. Half an apple for breakfast and a quarter of a salad for lunch is not enough. Not even close."  
"Alright alright. I will eat something else later. I just want to rest now please doc!"

I can see how stressed she is; the whole therapy session must have put her on edge. "Okay Gemma. Make sure you get some sleep".

As I leave with the tray, I watch her turn on her side and stare intently at the wall. She does it all of the time; and it is really concerning.

Gemma's POV:

Urgggh GODDDDD! I feel like screaming. I feel like I have lost all control. Fucking therapy controls my mind and the nurses control my body. I have to eat when I am told, I have to move under instruction.

What a shitty existence.

I feel like my whole life is knot that is unravelling. Thread by thread my life is collapsing around me. I don't want to be in here, but I know I will feel just as shitty at home. Anywhere I go I will feel awful.

I just want to disappear.

But how the fuck can I tell that to Lich and expect to get outta here?

Tara's POV:

I am just about to clock off my shift when I spot one of the mental health ward nurses. Nurse Grace is a sweet-natured girl; who unwillingly believes happy endings always come true. She will soon learn that is not the case on the mental health ward.

"Miss Knowles! How can I help?"  
"I just wanted to check in about Gemma. Has she eaten her dinner?"  
"Hmm. I believe she ate half of her dinner and a spoonful of pudding".  
"With respect she needs to be eating more than half".  
"I know, I know. She was complaining of abdominal pain, insisting that she felt too sick to eat her food".  
"Abdominal pain? Has anyone been to check on her?"  
"Doctor Ross carried out an examimation. Nothing untoward, but he said that if it continues she will need to be scanned".  
"Thank you. I shall pop in to see her now, is she asleep?"  
"No Miss Knowles. She is staring into space as usual."  
"Thanks, and please it's Tara".

I head towards Gemma's room. I have an instinctive feeling that Gemma may be suffering from non-existent stomach pain. Gemma is clever enough to know that she will avoid eating is she fabricates being in pain.

I peep through the window. She snaps her eyes shut as soon as she spots me. "Gemma".  
She simulates being awoken. "Doc?"  
"How are the pains?"  
"Err they are easing thanks. They were so bad earlier".  
"Hmmm. Well make sure you sleep tonight Gemma! Remember you have therapy tomorrow".  
She grimaces, "How could I forget that joy?"

I head towards the door. "Oh and Gemma..."  
"Yeah?"  
"Don't kid a kidder".

20 minutes later...

I barely get through the door, before Jax starts bombarding me with questions. Is she okay? How did therapy go? Has she been eating more? Bloody hell, he doesn't even give me time to answer.

"Jax! I have just got home, let me sit down at least!" I give him a quick kiss to let him know that I am not pissed; and I go and get Abel. Giving him a cuddle always makes me feel better.

"So... how did her therapy go?"  
"Well we got her in the room, which I thought would be a lot harder than it was."  
"Fucking hell that's a relief. Did she open up?"  
"Well patient-confidentiality means I don't know much; but she stayed in there the whole time which is positive."  
"Do you think she will be able to come home soon?"

Shit. I knew he would ask me. "Urmm, it might be some time".  
"Why? What has happened?"  
"Jax, calm. Dr Lich implied that your mom is still really struggling".  
"Yeah but she would be better here. We all know that".  
"Jax we do not know more than her psychiatrist. I am afraid we don't know what is best".  
"I am her god damm son. I know her better than anyone".

I am losing my god damm temper with him! Why does he think he knows more than medical professionals? "  
"Well Mr I know everything, how come you didn't know that she is still a suicide risk?"

As soon as I finish I immediately regret what I have said. His hurt face causes my heart to ache. He storms off into the kitchen.

"Jax I am so sorry, that was a shitty thing for me to say."  
" Yeah, it fucking was. This is my mom you are talking about."  
"Don't you think I know that?"  
"No I don't! You have always hated her".  
"Oh so that makes me want this to happen does it? DOES IT?"  
He slams his hands on the table. "I don't know! All I know is that you are being a complete and utter bitch!"

Before I can retaliate he has slammed out of the door. FUCK!  
I hate it when me and Jax argue. I love him more than words could ever say. But we were both cruel. But I resent the accusation that I don't care about Gemma.

No-one could ever try to understand my relationship with Gemma. No-one! I care about her, and she cares about me. We may fight, argue and hate eachother at times; but we always have eachothers back. That is our dynamic.

Gemma's POV:

Tara knew what I was doing. I need to remember how clever she is; I keep judging her by my own stupid standards.

It is so quiet. All the patients are sleeping, knocked out on the medication I crave. Tara knows that I want the sedation and that's why she has taken it away from me. Sadistic but sensible. She thinks I am flirting with addiction. She isn't wrong. If I could; I would be knocked out for days, weeks. I would love to be out of it. Dead to the world, but not dead enough to hurt my family. Perfect.

Watching the moonlight penetrate the blinds makes me want to get out of here even more. I would love to go somewhere distant; a utopia of some sort, where I couldn't think or feel. It would just be me and the endless acreage. There would be trees enveloping me, leaves covering the ground and tranquilty. Not a single sound.

But not like the tranquility in here. I hate this time of night. The quiet leaves alarm bells ringing in my ears; telling me that the thoughts are coming and there is nothing I can do to stop them.

I have tried screaming but it doesn't work. It doesn't scare the thoughts away.

I have tried crying,  
But the thoughts find that refreshing.

I have tried reciting songs,  
But the thoughts infiltrate the lyrics.

Hey you pathetic whore, did you enjoy your little session? Spouting your weak feelings to a therapist, who really doesn't give a shit about you! No one gives a shit about you, the only reason they want you here is so they don't feel guilty. It is not about wanting to preserve your life, it is about making their own more bearable. Remember you are nothing.

It doesn't matter how hard I shake my head; the thoughts will not tumble out. They just linger, waiting to spew venom around my brain.

Why can't I just be free? Why do I have to feel this way?

Jax's POV:

I can't believe what Tara said. Not only was it intended to be vicious, but the fact that it is true hurts more. I was foolish to believe that my mom would magically get better. That this suicide attempt could be brushed under the carpet, the carpet of many indiscretions.

As I arrive at the clubhouse, I see Hale and Unser stood outside talking to Clay. Shit. Something bad must have happened.

I jog over, "What has happened?"

Hale turns to look at me, "We are here to let you all know about Luann Delaney".  
"Luann? What?"  
"We are sorry to say that Luann Delaney is dead. She was found on the side of the road earlier today. Without disclosing too much, it looks like she was beaten to death."

"Shit!" I turn to Clay. This was all our fault. We got caught up in some porn beef drama and now one of our own is dead. Otto will be devastated.

My mom will be devastated.

Hale pulls me over. "How is Gemma? I have heard about everything".  
I throw a look at Unser, "Well I am surprised you would care about one of us criminals".  
"You don't forget people you grew up with Jax. Gemma was like a mom to a lotta people".  
"Aight. Sorry. She...she ain't great."  
"Sorry Jax. Wasn't Luann her friend?"  
"Try best friend. They had some arguments, but man they were close."

Before Hale can answer, Unser intervenes. "Yeah, and it would probably best to hold off telling her. It may unravel her even more".  
"I will talk to Tara, see what she thinks. Thanks guys."

I head over to Clay. "You alright?"  
"Yeah. How's ..your mom?"  
"Urgh. She had therapy today, but Tara still thinks she is a significant suicide risk."  
"Fucking hell son. What are we gonna do?"  
"I ain't got no answers Clay. All I know is that this shit with Luann ain't gonna help".  
"Shit yeah. Your mom and her go back a long way".  
"I know".  
"Shit. I am going to call an emergency meeting, talk retaliation. You comin'?"  
"Clay. I have got bigger shit on my mind than this. All I care about is my mom, your wife?"  
"Don't start son.."  
"I ain't starting nothing. Proxy my vote and say I agree with you, I honestly don't give a shit".

I leave before he can reply. I can't be bothered for a confrontation. He has made it clear time and time again that he doesn't care about my mom. The club is his world, not my mom. I don't know why I expected anything else.

How the hell am I gonna tell mom her best friend is dead? Whether we tell her now or later it is gonna kill her. 


End file.
